The Chicago Dope’s Headline Archives – April 2012

April Archive Update

Peyton Manning considers signing with Cedar Rapids High School

Sandra Fluke admits to being a slut, apologizes to Rush Limbaugh

Pilot miraculously lands plane with passenger’s seat reclined

New ‘Type 3′ Diabetes linked to Golden Corral’s Chocolate Wonderfall

Vehement racist picks perfect March Madness bracket

Northwestern signs pact with Satan to make 2013 NCAA Tournament

Super PAC disguised as mild-mannered reporter

Editor fails to double-heck headline

Newlyweds injured after confusing IUD with IED

Joyride leads to three-car joycrash

US to start exporting excess vampire-themed romantic novels

Ruling overlords to take a break from overlording this weekend

Adele, Kelly Clarkson buried with Whitney Houston in solemn ceremony

Tyler Perry to film ‘Madea at Whitney Houston’s funeral’

Twitter rampage leaves 3 dead, 4 unfollowed

A, E, I, O and U all rumored to star in The Vowel

Beyonce and Jay-Z optimistic that Blue Ivy won’t grow up to be as weird looking as Jay-Z

Archeologists report unearthed curses aren’t what they used to be

Empire Carpet commemorates Luna purchase by summoning the ghost of Lynn Hauldren

Giants QB, Peyton Manning’s brother, can’t escape Peyton Manning’s shadow

Local marriage held together by threat of losing Golden Retriever in divorce

Iran celebrating 20th anniversary of being just 3 years away from developing nuclear bomb

Romney malfunctioned on “very poor” comment, says lab that built him

NASA names Eris and Sedna planets just to be a dick to Pluto

Indianapolis Colts caught sneaking into Lucas Oil Stadium

Katy Perry flattered nation wants to have sex with her but politely declines

New study finds Sunday feels sorta like Saturday

GrouponPAC: 52% Off American Political Candidate. $11,520,000 for $24,000,000 value!

National Gluten Council: “All of you can’t possibly have celiac disease” ad campaign falls flat

Chicago Cubs kinda hoping to sit this next season out

Scientists discover that marijuana smoking really really does stuff…or something

Penn State apologizes for inadvertently including 11-year-old boy in Coach Bill O’Brien’s new contract

JG Wentworth commercials surpass Looney Tunes as America’s primary exposure to opera

Armageddon begins after power outage resets Worlds Doomsday Clock to blinking 12:00 am

New Hampshire wraps up quadrennial reminder to the nation that it is an actual state

Great Aunt Stella somehow convinced she now hates Nickelback

Hostess CEO wrapped in plastic and put away indefinitely as part of bankruptcy deal

Arrival of Huntsman and Romney doubles Mormon population in South Carolina

Rick Santorum still dating his checks 1611

Obama appoints circuit court judges while House Speaker Boehner clears throat

Sports scientists discover elusive fifth down

2012 Olympics ready to renew world’s interest in women’s soccer for a few weeks

NFL bans performance-enhancing prayers

NASA postpones announcement on next week’s civilization-ending meteor strike so everyone can enjoy the holidays

New Year’s Eve filibustered by Senate Republicans

Researchers alarmed to discover that Alzheimer’s patients “just fucking with us”

Car bomb unaware that war in Iraq has ended

Peyton Manning admits to have been playing in Canada for Winnipeg Blue Bombers this whole time

Survey: Driver and passengers agree it’ll be great when this road construction is complete

Axis of evil expected to be slightly less axis-y next year

Disappointed filmgoer regrets confusing “erratic” with “erotic”

Christmas morning home video never seen again

Google preparing for surge of argument-fueled internet searches as families come together for the holidays

Obama completely ruins troops’ homecoming surprises by announcing end of Iraq war

Study: Most people surveyed don’t really want to see pictures of your kids

Kim Jong Il realizes he’s not an immortal God the hard way

Kim Jong Il’s medical condition downgraded to Kim Jong Dead

Atheist Christopher Hitchens slated to still be dead in three days

Scientists claim that female climatologists are definitely getting hotter

Sandusky, Ohio changes city motto to “Just Horsing Around Since 1744″

If elected, Gingrich promises national “take your mistress to work” day

Stripper names expected to outpace strippers

Elves accuse Santa of jingling their bells

Megalomaniac’s schemes thwarted by unlikely hero and plucky sidekick

Nation’s overlords disappointed with current GOP field

Elated Northwestern (6-6) to face depressingly disappointed Texas A&M (6-6) in lower-tier bowl game

Santa lactose-intolerant

CERN Scientists: Higgs Boson discovery means we’re all finally getting laid

U.S. now taking requests for next invasion targets

Pagan health club introduces new “Pontius Pilates” workout program

God to Herman Cain: That time I told you to run? I was totally kidding

Fried egg completely burnt out

Study: Acupuncture found to be effective for lancing boils, blisters

Truth-in-advertising complaint forces “Luvabulls” to change name to “Lustables”

Suicidal man never going to kill himself at that rate

Penn State to end 123-year policy of employing pedophile coaches

War on Christmas hostilities end with fruitcake ceasefire

Wallet never felt so lost before

Headline Archive – September 2011

Headlines Archive – August 2011

Headlines Archive – July 2011

Headlines Archive – June 2011

Headlines Archive – May 2011

Headlines Archive – Spring 2011

Headlines Archive – Winter 2011

Headlines Archive – Fall 2010

Headlines Archive – Summer 2010