April Archive Update
Peyton Manning considers signing with Cedar Rapids High School
Sandra Fluke admits to being a slut, apologizes to Rush Limbaugh
Pilot miraculously lands plane with passenger’s seat reclined
New ‘Type 3′ Diabetes linked to Golden Corral’s Chocolate Wonderfall
Vehement racist picks perfect March Madness bracket
Northwestern signs pact with Satan to make 2013 NCAA Tournament
Super PAC disguised as mild-mannered reporter
Editor fails to double-heck headline
Newlyweds injured after confusing IUD with IED
Joyride leads to three-car joycrash
US to start exporting excess vampire-themed romantic novels
Ruling overlords to take a break from overlording this weekend
Adele, Kelly Clarkson buried with Whitney Houston in solemn ceremony
Tyler Perry to film ‘Madea at Whitney Houston’s funeral’
Twitter rampage leaves 3 dead, 4 unfollowed
A, E, I, O and U all rumored to star in The Vowel
Beyonce and Jay-Z optimistic that Blue Ivy won’t grow up to be as weird looking as Jay-Z
Archeologists report unearthed curses aren’t what they used to be
Empire Carpet commemorates Luna purchase by summoning the ghost of Lynn Hauldren
Giants QB, Peyton Manning’s brother, can’t escape Peyton Manning’s shadow
Local marriage held together by threat of losing Golden Retriever in divorce
Iran celebrating 20th anniversary of being just 3 years away from developing nuclear bomb
Romney malfunctioned on “very poor” comment, says lab that built him
NASA names Eris and Sedna planets just to be a dick to Pluto
Indianapolis Colts caught sneaking into Lucas Oil Stadium
Katy Perry flattered nation wants to have sex with her but politely declines
New study finds Sunday feels sorta like Saturday
GrouponPAC: 52% Off American Political Candidate. $11,520,000 for $24,000,000 value!
National Gluten Council: “All of you can’t possibly have celiac disease” ad campaign falls flat
Chicago Cubs kinda hoping to sit this next season out
Scientists discover that marijuana smoking really really does stuff…or something
Penn State apologizes for inadvertently including 11-year-old boy in Coach Bill O’Brien’s new contract
JG Wentworth commercials surpass Looney Tunes as America’s primary exposure to opera
Armageddon begins after power outage resets Worlds Doomsday Clock to blinking 12:00 am
New Hampshire wraps up quadrennial reminder to the nation that it is an actual state
Great Aunt Stella somehow convinced she now hates Nickelback
Hostess CEO wrapped in plastic and put away indefinitely as part of bankruptcy deal
Arrival of Huntsman and Romney doubles Mormon population in South Carolina
Rick Santorum still dating his checks 1611
Obama appoints circuit court judges while House Speaker Boehner clears throat
Sports scientists discover elusive fifth down
2012 Olympics ready to renew world’s interest in women’s soccer for a few weeks
NFL bans performance-enhancing prayers
NASA postpones announcement on next week’s civilization-ending meteor strike so everyone can enjoy the holidays
New Year’s Eve filibustered by Senate Republicans
Researchers alarmed to discover that Alzheimer’s patients “just fucking with us”
Car bomb unaware that war in Iraq has ended
Peyton Manning admits to have been playing in Canada for Winnipeg Blue Bombers this whole time
Survey: Driver and passengers agree it’ll be great when this road construction is complete
Axis of evil expected to be slightly less axis-y next year
Disappointed filmgoer regrets confusing “erratic” with “erotic”
Christmas morning home video never seen again
Google preparing for surge of argument-fueled internet searches as families come together for the holidays
Obama completely ruins troops’ homecoming surprises by announcing end of Iraq war
Study: Most people surveyed don’t really want to see pictures of your kids
Kim Jong Il realizes he’s not an immortal God the hard way
Kim Jong Il’s medical condition downgraded to Kim Jong Dead
Atheist Christopher Hitchens slated to still be dead in three days
Scientists claim that female climatologists are definitely getting hotter
Sandusky, Ohio changes city motto to “Just Horsing Around Since 1744″
If elected, Gingrich promises national “take your mistress to work” day
Stripper names expected to outpace strippers
Elves accuse Santa of jingling their bells
Megalomaniac’s schemes thwarted by unlikely hero and plucky sidekick
Nation’s overlords disappointed with current GOP field
Elated Northwestern (6-6) to face depressingly disappointed Texas A&M (6-6) in lower-tier bowl game
Santa lactose-intolerant
CERN Scientists: Higgs Boson discovery means we’re all finally getting laid
U.S. now taking requests for next invasion targets
Pagan health club introduces new “Pontius Pilates” workout program
God to Herman Cain: That time I told you to run? I was totally kidding
Fried egg completely burnt out
Study: Acupuncture found to be effective for lancing boils, blisters
Truth-in-advertising complaint forces “Luvabulls” to change name to “Lustables”
Suicidal man never going to kill himself at that rate
Penn State to end 123-year policy of employing pedophile coaches
War on Christmas hostilities end with fruitcake ceasefire
Wallet never felt so lost before
