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Lucky Charms cereal enters gay marriage debate
20 February 2012 8:20 PM | 1 Comment -
Chinese officials deny independence of Taiwanese Linsanity
14 February 2012 3:51 PM | No Comments -
WikiLeaks releases Bin Laden’s journal
12 February 2012 12:50 PM | No Comments -
Mitt Romney vows to start having affairs
25 January 2012 11:15 PM | No Comments -
Scientists confirm Earth’s climatologists getting hotter
24 January 2012 6:04 PM | No Comments -
Judge rules Devil must return M. Night Shyamalan’s soul
11 January 2012 1:20 PM | No Comments -
Pat Robertson says God wants a mattress sale
10 January 2012 8:43 PM | No Comments -
Banks announce fee for thinking about money
24 December 2011 8:53 AM | No Comments
Lucky Charms cereal enters gay marriage debate
NASA accused of promoting gay climate change agenda
Staff
NASA accused of promoting gay climate change agenda
Rep. Joe Walsh seeks tax breaks for deadbeat dads
Ben & Jerry’s launches Republican primary ice cream
Ben & Jerry’s launches Republican primary ice cream
Thousands of birthers arrested
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BREAKING HEADLINES
A Chicago Dope Exclusive!
News Archive
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Lucky Charms cereal enters gay marriage debate
Posted on February 20, 2012 | 1 CommentLucky the leprechaun gets a "special friend." -
Chinese officials deny independence of Taiwanese Linsanity
Posted on February 14, 2012 | No CommentsChinese deny claims of the Taiwanese independence movement that Linsanity is further evidence of need for sovereign political recognition -
WikiLeaks releases Bin Laden’s journal
Posted on February 12, 2012 | No CommentsOsama bin Laden's journal was captured during the raid on his compound. The Chicago Dope has translated it! -
Mitt Romney vows to start having affairs
Posted on January 25, 2012 | No CommentsCandidate hopes "pulling a Gingrich" will save his campaign. -
Scientists confirm Earth’s climatologists getting hotter
Posted on January 24, 2012 | No CommentsA new study reveals that the Earth’s climate scientists are melting hearts at record rates -
Judge rules Devil must return M. Night Shyamalan’s soul
Posted on January 11, 2012 | No CommentsThe Devil failed to provide the "writer/director" with the "unparalleled talent and fame" promised to him -
Pat Robertson says God wants a mattress sale
Posted on January 10, 2012 | No CommentsWhen the rapture comes, you're going to need a something comfortable to sleep on. -
What are we giving for Christmas?
Posted on December 19, 2011 | No CommentsWe asked Chicago residents what they are likely to give friends, family and loved ones for Christmas. -
Republicans open second front in war on Christmas
Posted on December 12, 2011 | No CommentsFox attacks Republican National Committee for throwing a "holiday party." -
Campaign shocker: Michele Bachmann releases verifiably true statement
Posted on December 2, 2011 | No CommentsBachmann's camp is struggling with the firestorm that resulted from her uncharacteristically accurate observation. -
Congress adds SEC to list of recognized vegetables
Posted on November 30, 2011 | No CommentsFanning the flames of controversy, on Wednesday, Congress moved to add the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) to the Federal Government’s list of recognized vegetables. The move comes on the heels of last week’s announcement that Congress now officially considers pizza a vegetable when served in school cafeterias across the country. -
Disgraced alderman silent on prison teardrop tattoo
Posted on November 28, 2011 | No CommentsAlderman 'Fast Eddie' Vrydolyak is mum about life behind bars -
Ben & Jerry’s launches Republican primary ice cream
Posted on November 22, 2011 | 2 CommentsCompany names eight new flavors, based on the GOP's presidential candidates. -
Women reject Mitt Romney’s harassment claims
Posted on November 8, 2011 | No CommentsCandidate thinks a good scandal would help him attract voters. -
NASA: Robots winning space race
Posted on November 4, 2011 | No CommentsCan the U.S. catch up to the 'mechs'? -
Italian scientists successfully isolate antipasto
Posted on October 28, 2011 | No CommentsPhysicists were able to stabilize a plate of cured meats and brie-like cheeses for nearly four minutes. -
Wall Street firms top list of popular baby names
Posted on October 24, 2011 | No CommentsNew parents are naming their kids after Wall Street companies and their CEOs. -
NBA Lockout: What’s all the fuss about?
Posted on October 19, 2011 | No CommentsThe Chicago Dope has learned the specific demands that led labor talks to break down between players and owners -
Gaddafi found; discovered starring in The Playboy Club
Posted on October 16, 2011 | No CommentsAfter months of searching, deposed Libyan dictator Muarramar Gaddafi has been found hiding out on American TV, starring on the historically unpopular NBC show The Playboy Club -
David Garrard finally drops David Garrard from his fantasy football team
Posted on October 13, 2011 | No CommentsGarrard eventually became impatient waiting for Garrard to be picked up by another team. -
Convicted serial killer proud of his Chicago roots
Posted on October 13, 2011 | No CommentsCrazed lunatic Tom Dombrowski does his hometown proud. -
Nobel Prize in Literature goes to guy who explained what this year’s Chemistry Nobel Prize was all about
Posted on October 7, 2011 | No CommentsUntil now, no one knew what on earth a quasicrystal was or why it should matter to anyone. -
Media tricked into supporting Wall Street protests
Posted on October 7, 2011 | No CommentsBill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and Erin Burnett were taken in by a few tricorn hats. -
Publicity Wars: Baseball courts third Kardashian sister, enters Republican Primary field
Posted on October 5, 2011 | No CommentsIn its ongoing publicity war against football, baseball has announced its intention to date Kourtney Kardashian and seek the Republican nomination for President of the United States -
Ohio changes name to Iraq to get federal help
Posted on September 15, 2011 | 3 CommentsVirginia to follow suit with name change to Afghanistan. -
Paterno misplaces his linebackers again
Posted on September 9, 2011 | No CommentsThere are growing concerns that Joe Paterno may be succumbing to the effects of old age. -
Ghost Hunters busted by group of meddling kids
Posted on September 1, 2011 | 1 CommentTV show's producers charged with bank robbery, burglary, forgery and counterfeiting. -
Local baby born ready
Posted on August 29, 2011 | 4 CommentsObstetricians who delivered little Trevor Gould have no doubt that he will be prepared to handle most anything. -
Gaddafi overthrown, Romney calls for his overthrow
Posted on August 25, 2011 | No CommentsRomney says removing Gaddafi is first step to removing him. -
University of Chicago: Rogue jazz booster alleges Music Department corruption
Posted on August 23, 2011 | No CommentsA disgruntled jazz band booster claims extensive NCAA violations among the University of Chicago's Music Department -
NASA to pay cast of ‘Jersey Shore’ to stop being human
Posted on August 22, 2011 | No CommentsScientists are desperate to put a distance between East coast guidos and the rest of us. -
Fan stays up all night cramming for Lifehouse concert
Posted on August 19, 2011 | No CommentsJosh Thompson spent countless hours cramming and listening to everything the alternative rock band had ever recorded. -
Study finds over half of all emails entitled ‘Hey Girl!’
Posted on August 13, 2011 | No CommentsThis increasingly common salutation is taking over our e-mail boxes. -
Peyton Manning admits to just waving his arms around randomly back there
Posted on August 1, 2011 | No CommentsThe future Hall-of-Famer excels despite not understanding the difference between zone and a cover-2 defense. -
Rep. Joe Walsh seeks tax breaks for deadbeat dads
Posted on July 29, 2011 | 6 CommentsCongressman says $175,000 salary isn't enough to pay child support. -
Obama offers to sell prized skateboard to cut the debt
Posted on July 22, 2011 | No CommentsNegotiations stall over which side will hock their most valuable possessions. -
Rupert Murdoch to turn News Corp into a bank
Posted on July 20, 2011 | No CommentsMedia mogul to become banking mogul to avoid criticism and legal problems. -
Boys recount perilous journey across lava-covered living room floor
Posted on July 18, 2011 | No CommentsThe Johnson brothers survived a harrowing experience and still argue with their friend Danny over whether he died or not. -
Social media revolutions suppressed by distractions of social media
Posted on July 8, 2011 | 1 CommentThe vast time-suck that is Twitter and Facebook kills most social media revolutions before they get off the ground -
Chicago complains its sister city is ‘like, so totally annoying’
Posted on July 2, 2011 | No CommentsBogotá, Columbia, Chicago's sister city since 2009, won't stop being such a butthead. -
Local weather man “just trying to warn you about a f*#cking tornado!!!”
Posted on June 29, 2011 | No CommentsThey're called severe storm warnings for a reason!! -
Clarence Thomas vows to keep profiting from the bench
Posted on June 29, 2011 | 1 CommentSupreme Court justice says his decisions are for sale. -
Office jackass thinks he’s just ‘shaking things up a bit’
Posted on June 18, 2011 | No CommentsDavid West wants his co-workers to think 'outside the box'; his co-workers think he's a tool. -
Tim Pawlenty to re-announce Presidential campaign via photo of his penis
Posted on June 13, 2011 | No CommentsTim Pawlenty tries to invigorate his campaign in a way that titillates potential voters -
Republicans call on Weiner to start having real affairs
Posted on June 10, 2011 | 1 CommentGOP says cheating is fine, as long as there's physical contact. -
Sesame Street cancels Tea Party episodes
Posted on June 7, 2011 | No CommentsPBS nixes plans to have Oscar the grouch turn political. -
Nowitzki fights anxiety with fate of humanity resting on his shoulders
Posted on June 4, 2011 | No CommentsDirk Nowitzki is anxious as he tries to save humanity from the potential apocalypse of a Miami Heat NBA Championship -
Joe Berrios calls for more Cook County corruption
Posted on May 31, 2011 | No CommentsAssessor vows to revive the county Democratic machine. -
Obama appoints new crossword czar/tsar czar
Posted on May 27, 2011 | No CommentsObama appoints Yale professor to tackle the growing list of versions of the Russian word for “Caesar”. -
Lawyers sue over large breasts in court
Posted on May 27, 2011 | No CommentsAttorney claims mammaries make his memory.... um... what? -
Suburbs brace for cleavage invasion from Tilted Kilt
Posted on May 18, 2011 | 1 CommentBelly shirts and plaid skirts could be the end of western civilization. -
Nation mourns: Interplanet Janet disintegrates upon reentry
Posted on May 14, 2011 | No CommentsAdvanced space probe, war veteran and graduate of Schoolhouse Rock College exploded over the Gulf of Mexico Friday morning. -
Obama unveils plans for new nanny state that is smoking hot
Posted on May 11, 2011 | No CommentsObama hopes his approach for a nubile and extremely alluring protective social system will pay off. -
Thousands of birthers arrested
Posted on May 9, 2011 | 3 CommentsOrly Taitz charged with links to terrorism, Donald Trump flees the country. -
Texas traded to Mexico in four-state deal
Posted on May 7, 2011 | 2 CommentsMexican President Calderon went deep into his roster to acquire the Lone Star State -
Obama’s use of ‘air quotes’ throughout bin Laden announcement fuels conspiracy theories
Posted on May 6, 2011 | 1 CommentObama: "Osama bin Laden, the world's most wanted "terrorist," was "killed" in "Pakistan" by the "U.S. military." -
Katie Couric announces she’s departing CBS in world’s worst-kept, least-cared about secret
Posted on April 30, 2011 | 1 CommentThough most people already knew and few really cared, CBS announces that Couric is leaving the Evening News. -
Trump accuses Obama of not eating hot dogs
Posted on April 28, 2011 | 1 CommentReal estate mogul moves from birth certificates to food choices. -
Gender Battles: NFL Draft, Royal Wedding converge to form ultimate “Who Gives a Shit?” weekend
Posted on April 27, 2011 | No CommentsMen and women are primed for a Battle of the Sexes like nothing in human history -
NASA accused of promoting gay climate change agenda
Posted on April 21, 2011 | 3 CommentsSpace agency accused of showing its true colors, in pink. -
Juan Pierre’s throw to second base expected to arrive shortly
Posted on April 15, 2011 | 4 CommentsDespite delays in transit, White Sox officials claim that Juan Pierre's throw to second base is still in route -
‘Living each day as if it were his last’ leaves man clinically depressed
Posted on April 15, 2011 | No CommentsLiving like there's no tomorrow leaves little hope of tomorrow for Thomas Rittman. -
Tea party placated on budget with snacks and naps
Posted on April 10, 2011 | No CommentsYoung lawmakers get awfully cranky when they're tired and hungry. -
Shutdown averted: The Man continues to keep you down
Posted on April 9, 2011 | No CommentsThe plutocrats battle the autocrats over how to keep the little guy down. -
Woman dumps fiancé over interest in royal wedding
Posted on April 7, 2011 | 1 CommentMan obsessed with Kate and William. -
Escaped killer whale recaptured after rampage through Orlando
Posted on April 1, 2011 | No CommentsThe SeaWorld Orlando star can't seem to stay out of trouble. -
Gingrich blames prostitution arrest on patriotism, Libya
Posted on April 1, 2011 | No CommentsThe former speaker is passionate about a lot of things, especially female staffers. -
U.S. warns UAE for being just a bit too full of itself
Posted on March 24, 2011 | 65 CommentsThe State Department's message to Abu Dhabi: 'The senseless abundance must end!' -
House Republicans repeal law of gravity
Posted on March 21, 2011 | 1 CommentGOP continues its war on science and the environment. -
Conspiracy theorist claims NASA picnic photos were faked
Posted on March 15, 2011 | 1 CommentDoes photographic evidence prove NASA’s annual picnic was a hoax? -
Pope exonerates Jews for Jesus’ death; still blames them for Sex and the City 2
Posted on March 15, 2011 | No CommentsIt may be another 2,000 years before Jews are forgiven for Sex and the City 2 -
Quaker Oats announces Cap‘n Trade cereal
Posted on March 8, 2011 | No CommentsClimate change sails into the cereal aisle. -
Chicago public radio pledge drive leaves 1 dead, 4 injured
Posted on March 7, 2011 | 2 CommentsPolice are searching for whoever turned fund-raising effort into an episode of violent, blood-soaked mayhem. -
Elated Emanuel juggling which power to abuse first
Posted on March 3, 2011 | No CommentsRahm's already likes the sound of the Cubs playing at Emanuel Field -
English mailman goes postal, dozens bruised in punching spree
Posted on March 1, 2011 | No Comments23 hurt when British post office employee goes on slugging rampage -
Banking unions vow no surrender in Wisconsin
Posted on February 25, 2011 | 1 CommentTables turn in Wisconsin? Business leaders fight governor on tax breaks and corporate welfare. -
Corporate event planner confuses ‘dog and pony show’ with ‘Tijuana donkey show’
Posted on February 24, 2011 | No CommentsAttendees got more than they bargained for from Pedro, The Promiscuous Pack Animal. -
The woman from that one show dating that guy from Glee
Posted on February 24, 2011 | 1 CommentThe guy who's a cross between Dylan on 90210 and Justin Timberlake is dating the actress we've seen somewhere before. -
Tea party group refuses to leave Libya
Posted on February 23, 2011 | 4 CommentsTourists call federal rescue a dangerous precedent. -
Fox News to delay Obama-Mubarak comparisons until next week
Posted on February 17, 2011 | 1 CommentFor now, the cable news powerhouse will stick to allusions to Nazi Germany -
Survey: Most men believe pollster was definitely flirting with them
Posted on February 16, 2011 | 1 CommentMen across the country are falling for women who care about what they have to say. -
Katy Perry’s breasts sign $8m deal with EMI Records
Posted on February 15, 2011 | No CommentsPop music's most popular duo decide to strike out on their own. -
States seek ban on Sharia, snipe hunts and unobtanium
Posted on February 14, 2011 | 1 CommentFictional threats seen as too dangerous to overlook. -
White Sox, Alexei Ramirez agree to terms for 1,800 more head-scratching at-bats
Posted on February 7, 2011 | 2 CommentsThe White Sox secure 1,800 more bad at bats from their fan favorite -
Reagan’s statue comes to life, then disappears
Posted on February 6, 2011 | 3 CommentsFormer president returns to mark his 100th birthday. -
Glenn Beck demands war with Britain
Posted on February 5, 2011 | 11 CommentsThe 1960s "British invasion" was just the first step towards an Islamic caliphate. -
Lunatics, racists confounded by loss of color-coded terror alerts
Posted on February 1, 2011 | No CommentsFor many Americans, being racist or bat-shit crazy is getting a little harder -
Merger to make Fox the new home of Hitler
Posted on January 31, 2011 | 1 CommentFox and History Channel to focus on conspiracies, fringe elements and all things Hitler. -
Puppy mill ban leads to sharp rise in puppy flour prices
Posted on January 28, 2011 | 1 CommentPuppy milling restrictions may cost you at the supermarket. -
Sarah Palin recovering from ego-ectomy and victimitis
Posted on January 24, 2011 | 2 CommentsFormer Alaska Governor's condition linked to the recent Arizona shootings. -
Amateur astrologer discovers new constellation
Posted on January 22, 2011 | 6 CommentsNew discovery by part-time star gazer is baffling pseudoscientists. -
Attempts to reform CSI: Miami Fan Club cause schism
Posted on January 13, 2011 | 1 CommentDoctrinal disputes over management of the popular show's fan site have led to a split. -
Police issue annual warning over last-minute gifts
Posted on December 23, 2010 | No CommentsUnless you want to spend Christmas in jail or in the hospital, avoid these stinky stocking-stuffers. -
Tea party celebrates first year of corporate shilling
Posted on December 20, 2010 | 1 CommentActivists rewarded with “Stooges Ball.” -
The USA Today to stop pretending to be real newspaper
Posted on December 20, 2010 | 2 CommentsThe USA Today crossword paper ends 28-Year experiment with news reporting. -
North Korea threatens war with USA Network unless The Starter Wife is renewed
Posted on December 13, 2010 | 1 CommentThe mighty armies of the Dear Leader will crush the enemy unless Debra Messing is returned to TV. -
Scooter Libby hired by WikiLeaks
Posted on December 3, 2010 | 3 CommentsWebsite hopes Republican operative will protect it from attacks. -
Exorcist dies after 58-hour battle with ‘Dominick, The Christmas Donkey’
Posted on December 3, 2010 | No CommentsThe Power of Christ is unable to compel 'Frosty The Snowman'. -
Crime show reenactor mistakenly arrested for 45th time this year
Posted on December 1, 2010 | 1 CommentThe airing of a Cold Case Files episode led to dozens of tips from keen-eyed citizens. -
TSA screeners seek airports with the hottest passengers
Posted on November 29, 2010 | 3 CommentsSecurity personnel hope to get their hands on a few celebrities. -
Ghost Of Christmas Present laid off due to budget cuts
Posted on November 23, 2010 | 3 CommentsThe Christmas Spirit has been hit by hard times and hopes to rebound through restructuring. -
Sears CEO arrested in kill Santa plot
Posted on November 22, 2010 | No CommentsSanta targeted for opposing commercialization of Christmas. -
Astronomer discovers 30-year old black hole living on couch
Posted on November 22, 2010 | 1 CommentNot even hope can escape Dale's powerful gravitational pull. -
Study: Researchers discover that they can’t stand each other
Posted on November 19, 2010 | 3 CommentsPaper entitled “Study of Ancient Ice Cores Reveal How Much I Really Hate These People” to be published in February. -
CIA admits drone strike killed six in Wisconsin wedding party
Posted on November 11, 2010 | 2 CommentsPredator-launched missile totally ruined Miller-Peterson wedding reception. -
Kevin Bacon now three degrees separated from Kevin Bacon
Posted on November 9, 2010 | 2 CommentsKevin Bacon struggles to stay relevant by attempting to get closer to his once famous self. -
Guinness’ Curse? Record holders for ‘World’s Oldest Person’ keep dying
Posted on November 5, 2010 | 8 CommentsWhy only this group of Guinness World Record holders is being targeted is a mystery. -
Prop 19 fans surprised to have missed the election
Posted on November 4, 2010 | 4 CommentsLegalization supporters must have totally spaced out on voting day. -
Boys Town election hinges on ever-swinging bisexual vote
Posted on November 4, 2010 | No CommentsSexy Alexi may have gone down, but some races remain in the balance -
Will of God thwarted by the State of Delaware
Posted on November 4, 2010 | No CommentsThy will was not done in the Blue Hen State. -
Obama vows to keep accomplishments to himself
Posted on November 3, 2010 | No CommentsPresident to bend time and space, invent cold fusion and walk on water--but not tell anyone about it. -
Lou Piniella triumphantly hoists PS3 controller after long-awaited ‘MLB10: The Show’ World Series win
Posted on November 2, 2010 | No CommentsLou Piniella caps off an epic championship season in 'MLB10: The Show' for Playstation 3. -
NFL bans helmets to reduce helmet-to-helmet hits
Posted on November 1, 2010 | 3 CommentsNFL announced plans to reduce the number of helmet-to-helmet hits for good. -
Republicans call for ‘Don’t Ask DO Tell’
Posted on October 27, 2010 | No CommentsGOP wants to hear “all their sordid tales.” -
Editorial: Sun-Times endorses Giannoulias, Tribune endorses Kirk, Dope thinks they both suck
Posted on October 27, 2010 | No CommentsYou say tomato, we say piece of shit -
Randy Quaid to star in “I’m Still Here II: Psychotic Boogaloo”
Posted on October 26, 2010 | No CommentsThe actor's bizarre behavior is applauded as a renaissance of cinéma vérité. -
With BP oil spill, God takes 2-1 series lead over New Orleans
Posted on October 17, 2010 | No CommentsThe Almighty crushed The Big Easy in their last matchup and left the city struggling to find its way. -
Psychic’s dead mother wishes they would talk more
Posted on October 15, 2010 | No CommentsIf the disembodied spirit of Celeste Coil had her way, her psychic daughter wouldn’t wait so long between visits. -
Democrats to voters: ‘Our nostalgia is better than theirs’
Posted on October 12, 2010 | 1 CommentWhen all else fails, detach from reality! -
Fox News: terrorist Snidely Whiplash on the loose
Posted on October 8, 2010 | 2 CommentsFiend enjoys tying women to railroad tracks. -
U.S. to Guatemala: ‘You should probably get yourself checked out’
Posted on October 6, 2010 | 3 CommentsThe Monroe Doctrine has created some serious baggage. -
GOP stimulus love fest exposed
Posted on October 4, 2010 | 1 CommentRepublicans caught crushing on the recovery act. -
Report: May 6 ‘flash crash’ sparked by single large cat
Posted on October 4, 2010 | No CommentsRegulators believe that one cat's aggressive trading nearly brought the financial world to its knees. -
Daley makes Rahm his son, clearing path to City Hall
Posted on October 2, 2010 | 2 CommentsRahm tackles a major procedural hurdle in his quest to become the Windy City's next mayor -
Facebook co-founder upset over portrayal in “I Spit On Your Grave”
Posted on October 1, 2010 | 3 CommentsMark Zuckerberg is depicted as a bloodthirsty hillbilly in a new film about Facebook. -
Child abuse study reveals fewer parents giving their kid something to cry about
Posted on September 30, 2010 | No CommentsResearch shows that knocking kids into next week is down 15% -
So long corn syrup, hello corporate welfare juice
Posted on September 28, 2010 | No CommentsCompanies hope name change will distract people from health concerns over HFCS. -
Tech News: Google algorithm determines that Jerry’s life is really boring
Posted on September 27, 2010 | 1 CommentNot everyone's inbox carries enough "priority" to impress America's most admired company. -
Gay man comes out as evangelical megachurch preacher
Posted on September 26, 2010 | 6 CommentsDaniel Gray has spent years in denial about his secret life. -
Ethical Humanist Society of Chicago rapes and pillages local videographer
Posted on September 24, 2010 | 2 CommentsEthical humanists rape and pillage a non-conformist. -
Misanthrope mistaken for misogynist
Posted on September 23, 2010 | No CommentsTotal jerk almost got himself knee-deep into a sexual harassment lawsuit. -
Obama tells America he wants to start seeing other countries
Posted on September 21, 2010 | 1 CommentThe country's once-hot romance with President Obama has collapsed. -
Man drunk dials ex-employer
Posted on September 21, 2010 | No CommentsRodney Tinsdale appeals to his former employer to remember the good times and consider taking him back. -
Jesus stoned to death at ‘Values Voters’ summit
Posted on September 20, 2010 | 2 CommentsSon of God rejected by 'holier than thou' crowd. -
Study: Thinking about baseball represses desire for most everything
Posted on September 17, 2010 | No CommentsKeeping the nation's pastime in your head will make everything last longer -
Reggie Bush banned from striking Heisman pose
Posted on September 15, 2010 | No CommentsThe Heisman Trophy Trustees give Heisman Trophy winner the Heisman by taking away his Heisman. -
Daley successor likely to have unpronounceable Eastern European last name
Posted on September 14, 2010 | No CommentsOn the heels of Chicago Mayor Richard Daley’s unexpected announcement that he will not seek reelection in 2011, speculation among political experts is rampant regarding potential successors to Daley’s long held keys to City Hall. Rumored candidates are thought to include White House Chief of Staff and former Chicago... -
Bin Laden thanks Christian extremists for their support
Posted on September 13, 2010 | 3 CommentsMastermind credits opponents for playing into his hands. -
Rick Astley pranks his fans, rickrolls concertgoers
Posted on September 7, 2010 | 2 CommentsAstley dupes his fans with the most popular bait and switch prank ever. -
Is George W. Bush a secret Muslim?
Posted on September 6, 2010 | 4 CommentsFormer president has many ties to the Islamic world. -
Local pet supply store Pet-o-Philia goes out of business
Posted on September 6, 2010 | 1 CommentWithout explanation, a local business feels like it's being ostracized by their community. -
Rolling national debt onto credit card earns 13 trillion rewards points
Posted on September 2, 2010 | No CommentsThe Obama administration tries to find a silver lining to the country's economic woes. -
French government: Bruni may be slutty, but she’s no hooker
Posted on September 1, 2010 | 2 CommentsThere's probably not one shred of eveidence that Carla Bruni was ever a prostitute. -
Beck holds book rally at Lincoln Memorial
Posted on August 30, 2010 | No CommentsThousands gather to hear Beck sell fear. -
Unincorporated town cop hot on trail of local litter-ati
Posted on August 27, 2010 | No CommentsSheriff Jacobson has seen a lot of crime, but nothing quite as heinous as this. -
Toyota orders recall of time when its cars didn’t suck
Posted on August 27, 2010 | 1 CommentThe Japanese car maker longs for a simpler, more profitable time. -
Muse demands return of inspiration taken by local psychopath
Posted on August 27, 2010 | No CommentsLocal woman asks to have the inspiration she unwittingly bestowed on a nutjob be returned as soon as possible. -
Democrats pledge to be less well-read, more American by next election cycle
Posted on August 24, 2010 | 1 CommentWith poll numbers sagging and economic news worsening in the summer months, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) is increasingly desperate in its attempt to retain control of Congress and the nation’s Governors’ mansions in this years midterm elections. In fact, an email leaked this week... -
Proposed ‘Ground Zero’ YMCA condemned ASAP
Posted on August 23, 2010 | 4 CommentsCritics worry about links to Christian extremists. -
Fate of the world rests on humanity’s recollection of high school math
Posted on August 23, 2010 | No CommentsLong Island native Stephen Reynolds may have doomed humanity with his disregard for the math he learned in high school -
Study: Texting while driving causes dogs to crash 100% of the time
Posted on August 20, 2010 | 2 CommentsResearchers conclude that dogs, automobiles and texting are a dangerous mix. -
Republicans introduce “Kill the Economy” plan
Posted on August 16, 2010 | 9 CommentsDriving nation into a ditch expected to boost GOP’s prospects in November. -
Study finds tattoos, shaved heads, goatees no longer intimidating
Posted on August 12, 2010 | No CommentsNo longer considered fearsome, these fashion fads are adorned by anyone looking to be individuals like everyone else. -
Obama ditches Boy Scouts to hang out with ‘popular crowd’
Posted on August 11, 2010 | No CommentsPresident Barack Obama caught significant flack from conservative pundits last week when he elected to ditch his role as honorary President of the Boy Scouts of America at their recent Jamboree in order to conduct a taping of the ladies daytime television program The View. Or so that’s what he... -
Sports scientists win Nobel Prize for “Favre Uncertainty Principle”
Posted on August 10, 2010 | 1 CommentResearchers in Wisconsin prove that not even Brett Favre himself knows whether he'll play again. -
Target/Best Buy announce anti-gay product lines
Posted on August 9, 2010 | No CommentsCompanies claim new items eliminate gayness. -
Local couple adopts Asian highway
Posted on August 7, 2010 | No CommentsThe Reeds finally got their very own four-lane stretch of highway to care for just outside of Tianjin. -
Hot Canadian girl confirms relationship with local teen
Posted on August 3, 2010 | 3 CommentsYou heard right, this babelicious Canadian is actually Taylor Samuelson's girlfriend. No, seriously. -
‘Afghan War Diary’ reveals Pentagon behind rise of Justin Bieber
Posted on August 2, 2010 | No CommentsJustin Bieber: Not a teen sensation, but ploy in a military cover up -
Dick Cheney dies trying to re-start BP oil leak
Posted on August 1, 2010 | No CommentsFormer VP was trying to distract people from his many failures -
Council meeting deteriorates into drunken brawl over airport liquor licenses
Posted on July 30, 2010 | No CommentsA council meeting to discuss the new 24-7 liquor carts at Chicago airports turns sour. -
BP CEO Hayward ‘transferred’ to South Side gas station
Posted on July 28, 2010 | No CommentsThe embattled CEO will step down as chief executive and try his luck on the South Side. -
Native Americans call for white evictions in Arizona
Posted on July 26, 2010 | 1 CommentTribal council says “it’s payback time.” -
Total bitch in apt across the street hasn’t walked around naked in weeks
Posted on July 26, 2010 | No Comments"I used all my work sick days and stayed home four days straight. Nothin'. Bitch." -
Intercepted Russian spy communique: ‘It is my report to you that Americans discuss mostly items of stupidity’
Posted on July 26, 2010 | 4 CommentsAs Russian spy Anna Chapman reveals, espionage isn't all state secrets. -
FEMA releases preparation guide for an extinction-sized meteorite impact
Posted on July 22, 2010 | No CommentsAfraid you might be unprepared for the next mass extinction event? Check out this meteor survival guide from FEMA. -
Shopping spree claims the lives of hundreds of Chicago area men
Posted on July 20, 2010 | No CommentsThe afternoons of hundreds of local husbands and boyfriends were tragically lost in a horrendous shopping spree. -
BP to clog oil spill with Jim’s weekend diet
Posted on July 19, 2010 | 5 CommentsThe gluttony of a local bleacher bum proves useful to BP's team of engineers -
Video forensic guy not a ‘miracle worker’
Posted on July 19, 2010 | No CommentsForensic analyst expected to do the impossible with low-res images. -
Wall Street ready for bloodshed as banking war continues
Posted on July 19, 2010 | No CommentsObama rallies the troops as Republicans plan a counter-attack -
Township orders residents to abandon non-English speaking babies
Posted on July 19, 2010 | No CommentsHomer Township adopts a new resolution to abandon babies who don't speak English. -
Area cows protest lactose intolerance
Posted on July 18, 2010 | No CommentsLocal cows stage a non-violent “milk-in" to call attention to a rising trend of lactose intolerance. -
Fame-whoring Haiti covers itself in oil
Posted on July 18, 2010 | 1 CommentYet another move by slick Haiti to engage in fame harlotry. -
Apple CEO beheaded by disillusioned users
Posted on July 17, 2010 | No CommentsApple's legendary CEO meets an untimely demise following an admission of fallibility. -
Steinbrenner’s will leaves Yankees starting roster to Humane Society
Posted on July 17, 2010 | No CommentsYankees’ principle owner George Steinbrenner leaves half of the New York Yankees to the charity. -
Nation’s pet stores donate small animals for gulf cleanup
Posted on July 15, 2010 | 2 CommentsMillions of small household pets are arriving in the gulf to aid recovery efforts -
Child soldiers call ‘No tag-backs’ after attack on Ugandan troops
Posted on July 15, 2010 | 2 CommentsThe Youth Corps of the Lord’s Resistance Army calls dibs on this hallowed land. -
Al-Qaeda inadvertently accepts CIA’s Facebook friend request
Posted on July 13, 2010 | 4 CommentsThe CIA found a gold mine of crucial intelligence information when al Qaeda mistakenly accepted its Facebook Friend request. -
Scientists to define kilogram using mass of area man
Posted on July 12, 2010 | No CommentsStruggling to find a consistent reference for the kilogram, scientists have found the unwavering mass of Travis Watson to be the universal constant they were looking for. -
Jesus removed from Texas Bibles
Posted on July 12, 2010 | 24 CommentsSon of God deemed too liberal for the classroom. -
BP vows to halt spread of information
Posted on July 6, 2010 | 2 CommentsBP struggles to contain massive information spill in the Gulf of Mexico. -
Oh look, another random homicide somewhere in Chicago
Posted on May 29, 2010 | 1 CommentSome kind of weapon just killed somebody somewhere. -
Frito-Lay introduces single-parent family size chips
Posted on May 27, 2010 | No CommentsBroken families across the nation celebrated last week when Frito-Lay unveiled its newest product: Single-Parent Family Size Tostitos®. Larger than a standard-size bag, but smaller than a family-size container, Single-Parent Family Size Tostitos® is the first food product specifically marketed to families of divorce. “For... -
TSA announces “Underwear of Interest” list
Posted on May 27, 2010 | 3 CommentsOn Thursday, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) unveiled its list of “underwear of interest” for passengers boarding domestic or U.S.-bound aircraft. The announcement marks the latest in a series of enhanced security measures crafted in response to the attempted Christmas Day bombing of Northwest Flight... -
Bucktown hipsters protest government spending
Posted on May 27, 2010 | No CommentsIt seems that Conservative “tea baggers” aren’t the only citizens protesting stimulus spending these days: On Tuesday, dozens of Bucktown residents banded together to voice their objection to the construction of a new playground near the intersection of Damen Avenue and Homer Street. The community... -
Physically Unattractive Person Rides Brown Line
Posted on May 27, 2010 | No CommentsThursday morning, a minor public transportation disruption occurred when a physically unattractive person boarded and rode the CTA Brown Line, preferred commuter for Chicago’s most primped and pretty yuppies. This was the first reported instance of a physically unattractive person riding the Brown Line since... -
Stephen King shopping list inspires latest SyFy mini-series
Posted on May 25, 2010 | 1 CommentThe SyFy channel will be broadcasting a new mini-series based on a shopping list written by the master of horror. -
Secret Amish settlement discovered in Union Station
Posted on May 25, 2010 | No CommentsOfficials announced that a heretofore unknown Amish village has been thriving for decades in an unused portion of Chicago’s Union Station railroad terminal. -
Hyde Park Chamber of Commerce launches ‘Fuck Evanston’ campaign
Posted on May 25, 2010 | No CommentsCommunity and business leaders gathered to unveil the latest public-relations campaign to draw shoppers, tourists and residents to this vibrant multi-cultural community. -
God forced to resign over ‘anti-gay’ comment
Posted on May 25, 2010 | No CommentsGod stepped down following the discovery of an anti-gay statement attributed to Him in the Hebrew Scriptures.
