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School chess programs encourage more strategic bullying
11 May 2012 4:50 PM | No Comments -
End of the world looms according to Maya’s calendar
04 May 2012 9:15 AM | No Comments -
Net’s Best Satire: Chicago Dope featured in new e-book!
24 April 2012 10:20 AM | No Comments -
Taiwan recalls Jeremy Lin, still plans to increase exports
06 April 2012 6:05 PM | No Comments -
More states requiring chastity belts & scarlet letters
26 March 2012 8:33 PM | No Comments -
YouTube to delete unpopular channels to make room for more pet videos
12 March 2012 7:30 PM | No Comments -
Romney tells homeless to move in with their butlers
01 March 2012 5:44 PM | 2 Comments -
Activists posthumously gay marry dead Mormons
26 February 2012 2:22 PM | 2 Comments
Jesus stoned to death at ‘Values Voters’ summit
Jesus stoned to death at ‘Values Voters’ summit
Romney tells homeless to move in with their butlers
Romney tells homeless to move in with their butlers
Activists posthumously gay marry dead Mormons
Amateur astrologer discovers new constellation
Activists posthumously gay marry dead Mormons
Lucky Charms cereal enters gay marriage debate
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BREAKING HEADLINES
A Chicago Dope Exclusive!
About Chandler
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. Recent Posts
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Chinese officials deny independence of Taiwanese Linsanity
Posted on February 14, 2012 | No CommentsChinese deny claims of the Taiwanese independence movement that Linsanity is further evidence of need for sovereign political recognition -
Congress adds SEC to list of recognized vegetables
Posted on November 30, 2011 | No CommentsFanning the flames of controversy, on Wednesday, Congress moved to add the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) to the Federal Government’s list of recognized vegetables. The move comes on the heels of last week’s announcement that Congress now officially considers pizza a vegetable when served in school cafeterias across the country. -
IKEA Assembly Guide receives National Book Award nomination
Posted on November 14, 2011 | No CommentsFor its lucid prose and social utility, the IKEA ELGA Wardropbe System Guide has been nominated for the prestigious National Book Award -
Gaddafi found; discovered starring in The Playboy Club
Posted on October 16, 2011 | No CommentsAfter months of searching, deposed Libyan dictator Muarramar Gaddafi has been found hiding out on American TV, starring on the historically unpopular NBC show The Playboy Club -
Publicity Wars: Baseball courts third Kardashian sister, enters Republican Primary field
Posted on October 5, 2011 | No CommentsIn its ongoing publicity war against football, baseball has announced its intention to date Kourtney Kardashian and seek the Republican nomination for President of the United States -
University of Chicago: Rogue jazz booster alleges Music Department corruption
Posted on August 23, 2011 | No CommentsA disgruntled jazz band booster claims extensive NCAA violations among the University of Chicago's Music Department -
Social media revolutions suppressed by distractions of social media
Posted on July 8, 2011 | 1 CommentThe vast time-suck that is Twitter and Facebook kills most social media revolutions before they get off the ground -
Local weather man “just trying to warn you about a f*#cking tornado!!!”
Posted on June 29, 2011 | No CommentsThey're called severe storm warnings for a reason!! -
Tim Pawlenty to re-announce Presidential campaign via photo of his penis
Posted on June 13, 2011 | No CommentsTim Pawlenty tries to invigorate his campaign in a way that titillates potential voters -
Nowitzki fights anxiety with fate of humanity resting on his shoulders
Posted on June 4, 2011 | No CommentsDirk Nowitzki is anxious as he tries to save humanity from the potential apocalypse of a Miami Heat NBA Championship -
Katie Couric announces she’s departing CBS in world’s worst-kept, least-cared about secret
Posted on April 30, 2011 | 1 CommentThough most people already knew and few really cared, CBS announces that Couric is leaving the Evening News. -
Gender Battles: NFL Draft, Royal Wedding converge to form ultimate “Who Gives a Shit?” weekend
Posted on April 27, 2011 | No CommentsMen and women are primed for a Battle of the Sexes like nothing in human history -
Juan Pierre’s throw to second base expected to arrive shortly
Posted on April 15, 2011 | 4 CommentsDespite delays in transit, White Sox officials claim that Juan Pierre's throw to second base is still in route -
Bracket buster: Somali Pirates eliminated from Sweet 16
Posted on March 25, 2011 | No CommentsThe Somali Pirates will not be this year's Cindarella -
Pope exonerates Jews for Jesus’ death; still blames them for Sex and the City 2
Posted on March 15, 2011 | No CommentsIt may be another 2,000 years before Jews are forgiven for Sex and the City 2 -
Elated Emanuel juggling which power to abuse first
Posted on March 3, 2011 | No CommentsRahm's already likes the sound of the Cubs playing at Emanuel Field -
Fox News to delay Obama-Mubarak comparisons until next week
Posted on February 17, 2011 | 1 CommentFor now, the cable news powerhouse will stick to allusions to Nazi Germany -
White Sox, Alexei Ramirez agree to terms for 1,800 more head-scratching at-bats
Posted on February 7, 2011 | 2 CommentsThe White Sox secure 1,800 more bad at bats from their fan favorite -
Massive snowstorm fuels banal conversations citywide
Posted on February 2, 2011 | 2 CommentsSnow storms: pain in the ass, but boring people sure love to talk about 'em -
Lunatics, racists confounded by loss of color-coded terror alerts
Posted on February 1, 2011 | No CommentsFor many Americans, being racist or bat-shit crazy is getting a little harder -
Scientists uncover alien life form on earth; Antonio Cromartie believed to be the father
Posted on December 28, 2010 | No CommentsAntonio Cromartie and his habit of making things pregnant -
Defending Jesus, Jewish groups protest un-Jewish nature of Christmas celebration
Posted on December 20, 2010 | 1 CommentJews want Jesus' birthday party to acknowledge the man's cultural roots -
Fighting big coal, environmental advocates urge kids to behave this Christmas season
Posted on December 8, 2010 | 2 CommentsEnvironmentalists are taking on bad children this Christmas -
Suburban moms ready to invade and attack downtown with holiday cheer
Posted on November 17, 2010 | 3 CommentsMaking Chicago's shopping district miserable for city residents is hard work -
Boys Town election hinges on ever-swinging bisexual vote
Posted on November 4, 2010 | No CommentsSexy Alexi may have gone down, but some races remain in the balance -
Editorial: Sun-Times endorses Giannoulias, Tribune endorses Kirk, Dope thinks they both suck
Posted on October 27, 2010 | No CommentsYou say tomato, we say piece of shit -
Democrats to voters: ‘Our nostalgia is better than theirs’
Posted on October 12, 2010 | 1 CommentWhen all else fails, detach from reality! -
Daley makes Rahm his son, clearing path to City Hall
Posted on October 2, 2010 | 2 CommentsRahm tackles a major procedural hurdle in his quest to become the Windy City's next mayor -
Tech News: Google algorithm determines that Jerry’s life is really boring
Posted on September 27, 2010 | 1 CommentNot everyone's inbox carries enough "priority" to impress America's most admired company. -
Daley successor likely to have unpronounceable Eastern European last name
Posted on September 14, 2010 | No CommentsOn the heels of Chicago Mayor Richard Daley’s unexpected announcement that he will not seek reelection in 2011, speculation among political experts is rampant regarding potential successors to Daley’s long held keys to City Hall. Rumored candidates are thought to include White House Chief of Staff and former Chicago... -
French government: Bruni may be slutty, but she’s no hooker
Posted on September 1, 2010 | 2 CommentsThere's probably not one shred of eveidence that Carla Bruni was ever a prostitute. -
Democrats pledge to be less well-read, more American by next election cycle
Posted on August 24, 2010 | 1 CommentWith poll numbers sagging and economic news worsening in the summer months, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) is increasingly desperate in its attempt to retain control of Congress and the nation’s Governors’ mansions in this years midterm elections. In fact, an email leaked this week... -
Abundance of Wisconsin Denny’s inspires Tiger’s confidence entering PGA Championship
Posted on August 12, 2010 | 1 CommentPerhaps Tiger has all he needs this week to return to the top -
Obama ditches Boy Scouts to hang out with ‘popular crowd’
Posted on August 11, 2010 | No CommentsPresident Barack Obama caught significant flack from conservative pundits last week when he elected to ditch his role as honorary President of the Boy Scouts of America at their recent Jamboree in order to conduct a taping of the ladies daytime television program The View. Or so that’s what he... -
‘Afghan War Diary’ reveals Pentagon behind rise of Justin Bieber
Posted on August 2, 2010 | No CommentsJustin Bieber: Not a teen sensation, but ploy in a military cover up -
Intercepted Russian spy communique: ‘It is my report to you that Americans discuss mostly items of stupidity’
Posted on July 26, 2010 | 4 CommentsAs Russian spy Anna Chapman reveals, espionage isn't all state secrets. -
BP to clog oil spill with Jim’s weekend diet
Posted on July 19, 2010 | 5 CommentsThe gluttony of a local bleacher bum proves useful to BP's team of engineers -
TSA announces “Underwear of Interest” list
Posted on May 27, 2010 | 3 CommentsOn Thursday, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) unveiled its list of “underwear of interest” for passengers boarding domestic or U.S.-bound aircraft. The announcement marks the latest in a series of enhanced security measures crafted in response to the attempted Christmas Day bombing of Northwest Flight... -
Bucktown hipsters protest government spending
Posted on May 27, 2010 | No CommentsIt seems that Conservative “tea baggers” aren’t the only citizens protesting stimulus spending these days: On Tuesday, dozens of Bucktown residents banded together to voice their objection to the construction of a new playground near the intersection of Damen Avenue and Homer Street. The community... -
Physically Unattractive Person Rides Brown Line
Posted on May 27, 2010 | No CommentsThursday morning, a minor public transportation disruption occurred when a physically unattractive person boarded and rode the CTA Brown Line, preferred commuter for Chicago’s most primped and pretty yuppies. This was the first reported instance of a physically unattractive person riding the Brown Line since...
