According to a ruling in a Philadelphia County Court on Thursday, the Devil was forced to return the eternal soul of M. Night Shyamalan for failing to comply with a contractual requirement granting the writer/director/producer “unending creative talent and stardom.”
Shyamalan relieved to be retaining full custody of his soul
The judge agreed with Shyamalan’s lawyers who claim that their client’s level of success and fame fell well short of promises made by the Prince of Darkness. The judge ruled that the Devil breached their contract and that Shyamalan’s soul be removed from escrow and returned to him immediately.
Shyamalan’s attorney Raymond Blackmun argued that his client’s “talent enhancement” clause was never exercised as per the contract. In court he presented as evidence the films Lady in the Water, Signs and The Happening, which were reported to have drawn cringes from court observers and the judge, many averting their eyes in disgust.
“My client was clearly supposed to reach limitless heights in Hollywood,” Blackmun told reporters on the front steps outside the courthouse. “But how was that possible when he continued to fail in every possible category of movie making?”
The judge ruled that Shyamalan’s body of work was evidence enough that the Devil did not hold up his end of the bargain and said that “the truly awful dialogue, complete lack of a coherent storyline, paper thin performances and lame plot twists made the ruling inevitable.” The judge also noted that his ruling came about without The Last Airbender being presented as evidence but remarked that “this incoherent nightmare of a movie alone might have even made the case.”
Satan, who was acting as his own counsel, had offered up Unbreakable as a solid piece of film-making and an intriguing story. The Devil also presented as evidence the blockbuster The Sixth Sense which was Shyamalan’s most successful piece of work and considered by many to be his breakout project. However, Shyamalan’s team convinced the judge that these films were merely part of teaser deal used to lure their client into contract and were not part of the final arrangement.
“Our client’s quality of work and critical reception went straight to Hell –pun intended!– after The Sixth Sense.” Blackmun said. “In the end, the judge ruled correctly that our client received absolutely nothing in his deal with the Devil,”
When asked for comment, Satan vowed to appeal the ruling saying that the young director is “inexplicably successful and still continues, for absolutely no known reason, to be offered movie deals.”
“How do you explain that?,” the Devil asked. “I mean, he gets paid a lot of money to put out lame films, gets his soul back and is still courted by Hollywood to produce a bunch of crap….oh, I see what he did there. Now, THAT’s a twist. I feel totally taken…..SHYAMALAN!!!.
Image by bollywoodhungama.com
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JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here. 
