Televangelist Pat Robertson declared Tuesday that God wants the entire world to hold an enormous closeout mattress sale this coming weekend or face immediate destruction. Robertson made this announcement on his 700 Club TV show.
“I heard it loud and clear. God was yelling ‘Sunday, Sunday, Sunday’ and ‘everything must go.’ He mentioned a ‘mattress sale armageddon’ and said the prices must be low enough as to threaten everyone with insanity,” Robertson said. “I knew this was coming, first America accepted homosexuality and now God is threatening to destroy us unless we go out and buy new mattresses.”
Robertson said he has such a close relationship with God that the almighty wakes him up every weekday at 6:00 a.m., often with a joke or two and the day’s news, traffic and the weather. If Robertson falls back to sleep, God repeatedly tries to rouse him every five minutes until he succeeds.
“It’s usually just the Lord himself speaking to me, but this time Jesus was talking as well. For all their threats they really seemed in good spirits as they were both calling some of their other followers and pranking them,” Robertson said. “Jesus called this one fellow, pretended to be the guy’s boss and said he was fired. They really do work in mysterious ways.”
Robertson said some of God’s pronouncements were harder to interpret, as both the Lord and Jesus talked about “a mourning zoo” and gave a brief rundown of the latest economic reports.
“The Bible doesn’t have any reference to an actual zoo, although it could be a reference to Noah, the ark and the fact that God is mourning for our sins,” Robertson said. “It sounds like God might be going back to his Old Testament ways of fire and brimstone and animal sacrifices. I asked God for a clarification of this, but he just kept laughing at Jesus and pounding his hand on a desk or something. Whatever happens this weekend, just keep in mind that eternity would be a long time to spend on an old mattress.”
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Marcus Manfred is an enigma. A simple and complex man who was raised by wolves in the lower upper part of the eastern west. He is more than you think and less than you know. He is the solution to every question you have ever asked, as long as the answer is three. 
