Several of the nation’s leading banks announced on Friday that they will soon begin instituting fees for customers who want to think about their money.
“We essentially view this as the price of convenience. As stewards of our clients’ money, we are bound by law to keep it safe. Yet, we find that many clients, even after they deposit their money with us, still want to think about it, to ruminate about it, to figure out whether they have enough in their account to both order out for pizza and go to the movies tonight,” said Citibank spokesperson Amanda Wright. “They can’t have it both ways.”
The new fee is expected to range from $1 to $3 per thought, depending on the bank. Compulsive worriers and fans of the Snoop Dogg song “Gin and Juice” are expected to be amongst the hardest hit.
This move reflects a growing trend amongst banks to find sources of revenue beyond the interest rate spread that is the traditional source of bank profit. Some banks have recently begun levying fees for customers who fail to wipe their feet when entering a branch while others have begun selling “flash passes” for customers who wish to bypass long teller lines. One institution, Amalgamated Bank of Chicago, has gone so far as to institute penalties for misspelling its name.
“Banks are doing whatever is necessary to rebuild their capital position,” said banking analyst Meredith Whitney. “If this fee doesn’t work, banks are going to resort to even more desperate measures. I’ve heard that Chase is training tellers to initiate ad hoc games of Three Card Monte whenever clients want to withdraw their cash.”
While this new fee has alarmed some customers, others have greeted Friday’s announcement with skepticism, as it is not clear how banks will be able to register when a client thinks about their money.
“Believe me, we’ll know,” said a representative of Bank of America, on condition of anonymity. “The process involves a client’s PIN number, their mother’s maiden name and the metal fillings in their teeth. Not all financial engineering is about securitizing mortgages.”
Along with improving their bottom line, some bank executives believe that, ultimately, customers will be thankful to be charged this new fee.
“This fee will lessen the amount of time people spend thinking about their money, which, as most psychologists will tell you, is a major source of stress and worry,” said Martin DuDecker of Wells Fargo. “In a way, we’re performing a public service.”
This article originally appeared on The Daily Blank.
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Mitchell Snyder is a fully-licensed and bonded International Man of Parody. He's also the alter-ego for a business professional who can't stop listening to the funny voices in his head. He became a card-carrying member of Chicago's comedy-industrial complex when he started performing stand-up early in 2009, and has since branched out into writing satire articles.
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