Edward Vrydolyak, the former Chicago alderman whose skills as a backroom political dealmaker earned him the nickname ‘Fast Eddie’, is refusing to acknowledge a small tattoo in the shape of a teardrop underneath his left eye following his release from a federal prison in Indiana.
“He’s not saying anything about it,” said Vrdolyak’s attorney, Michael Monico. “All he says is that things got a little rough in there, and that he had to do what he had to do.”
Vrydolyak, who turns 74 next month, completed a 10 month sentence at the Terra Haute Federal Corrections Complex for his role in a $1.5 million real estate kick back scheme. He was also fined $25,000 by the Chicago Board of Elections for having an unpronounceable last name.
“The alderman is pleased to put this part of his life behind him, and wants everyone to know how delighted he is to have re-paid his debt to society,” said Monico.
According to Monico, Vrydolyak will need some time to transition into normal life, saying, “you might think twice about changing the channel while he’s watching ’60 Minutes’, for example. I suspect he might get a little upset and scoop both of your eyes out with a rusty spoon…or something.”
It’s unclear what may have prompted the disgraced politician to get the controversial marking. Teardrop tattoos have no fixed meaning, although in some prisons it may mean that the wearer has killed someone. Unconfirmed reports indicate that Vrydolyak may have been involved in an ongoing dispute between rival prison gangs composed of corrupt Republican and Democratic politicians housed in the minimum-security facility.
“Word has it that this punk-ass Congressional aide from Cleveland was cheating during the prison bridge tournament, so Fast Eddie had to shank him, that’s all,” said former Fort Wayne city supervisor Reginald ‘Chin Chin’ Wentworth, who is serving time for soliciting sex from a state trooper. “No one knows nothing.”
Vrydolyak must next serve five months of community confinement, likely at a Salvation Army halfway house in Chicago. As he made his way to a waiting vehicle outside the doors of the prison, his attorney passed along this cryptic statement from the disgraced politician:
“The alderman would like to give a shout out to all of the hustlers in cell block 12. The Big V always got their back, so don’t let the screws give you the blues. Peace out.”
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Mitchell Snyder is a fully-licensed and bonded International Man of Parody. He's also the alter-ego for a business professional who can't stop listening to the funny voices in his head. He became a card-carrying member of Chicago's comedy-industrial complex when he started performing stand-up early in 2009, and has since branched out into writing satire articles.
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