Scientists from the National Institute for Nuclear Physics at the Gran Sasso national laboratory in Italy announced Thursday that they had successfully isolated a large sample of antipasto.
The research team, comprised largely of nuclear engineers and particle physicists, observed the selection of cured meats, olives, bread and various cheeses on a menu at a local dining establishment in the nearby mountain town of Teramo and subsequently ordered the traditional Italian pre-meal course.
Lucia Votano, Director of the Gran Sasso Laboratory, told reporters that after a long day of meticulously measuring neutrinos sent by the CERN Super Proton Synchrotron (located 730km away outside of Geneva, Switzerland), “[t]he first glimpse of the antipasto was glorious because we were all so very hungry.”
“It just appeared out of nowhere,’ Votano said of the highly sought-after Italian appetizer which had been promptly delivered by the wait staff.
Votano pointed out that mixing antipasto with any subsequent food item, or “pasto” in Italian, can completely ruin any traditional meal and so he was pleased with his team’s efforts that night.
The team’s primary concern was the potential reaction of chief engineer Fernando D’Arco who is the food connoisseur of the group. D’Arco has been known to explode into a rage of pure energy whenever antipasto and the main meal are brought into contact with each other.
“We knew that if they got too close together, if they brought the rest of the meal too early and mixed the antipasto with the pasto, it would have been disastrous to our enjoyment of the evening.” D’Arco said.
“You just don’t do that,” D’Arco said of mixing these two fundamental and distinctly different courses. “It would ruin absolutely everything, I can assure you.”
Due to its very short half-life, the researchers were able to keep the antipasto sample isolated for no more than several minutes before it completely disappeared from the table.
But for those short-lived moments, the Gran Sasso team was ecstatic, thrilled to have been able to keep a stable dish of smoked salmon, cabana sausage and brie-style cheeses isolated and safely separated from the oncoming family-style order of cavatelli and meat sauce.
However, there have been questions raised about the reproducibility of the conditions and effects detailed by the Gran Sasso team. In the same restaurant that night, a team of scientists visiting from the Spanish Canfranc Underground Laboratory conducted a similar experiment with the antipasto they had ordered, allowing it to interact with the other portions of their meal with no discernible effect.
Gran Sasso’s Votano dismissed their objections saying that the Spanish team had ordered more of a tapas “which is an entirely different subset of appetizers. It’s like comparing neutrinos to muons. We stand by our observations.”
Image by Alpha
JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here. 
