Baseball should spice up the fleet of Republican candidates
The move comes in response to a growing slew of fundamental indicators revealing that baseball is losing touch with the interest of the average American sports fan.
“Baseball’s biggest problem right now is that it’s slow and boring.”said Craig O’Brien, a guy who watches football.
According to media experts, like Stew Masters of Northwestern University, to increase its share of America’s attention, baseball needs to focus on three particular demographics: young people, women, and the exploding Southeastern population.
“If you want the eyeballs of women, people aged 15-24, or S-E-C country, all data points to E! and Fox News as optimal platforms,” Masters said. “The Kardashians and the Republican Primary exist at a perfect cross section.”
Many analysts have indicated now is an opportune moment for baseball to enter both Keeping Up With the Kardashians and the Republican Presidential rivalry.
Scott Disick, his face covered in pee
“Scott is entertaining, but only in your standard ‘douchey’, ‘aspiring actor’, ‘sweater wrapped around the shoulders’, kind of way,” said celebrity gossip critic Taylor Meredith. “If baseball could woo her, it’d be a bonanza of free publicity. Plus, if fans thought Manny was crazy, wait until they get to see Kourtney Being Kourtney.”
Similarly, on the political front, after a series of gaffes, enthusiasm for Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s once frontrunner Presidential bid have quickly diminished, leaving voters seeking new options in the current field.
Results of recent Republican Primary poll
“We all know that baseball kind of backed into this race when it didn’t land a spot on the fall season of Dancing With the Stars,” said Dr. Dennis Coke, professor of political science at the University of Illinois. ”That said, though it probably can’t win nationally with its history of (performance-enhancing) drug abuse and segregation, it has deep pockets, its willing to spend its own money, and its not Mitt Romney. In Republican caucus states, those are real assets.”
Early polls show baseball receiving 18% of the Republican vote, though more data is expected back next week.
- The Chicago Dope’s Entertainment & Gossip correspondents, Katherine Wilburn and Mollie Scott (@MollieScott), contributed to the reporting of this piece
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
