The effects of Joe Paterno’s advanced age are raising some concerns again around Happy Valley when during Monday’s practice the Penn State head coach forgot where he put his linebackers again.
Despite being repeatedly assured that they were right where he left them, doing drills with linebackers coach Ron Vanderlinden, Paterno was found in the cafeteria on his hands and knees looking under tables for his top-ranked defensive unit.
“I swear I set them around here somewhere,” JoePa was heard to have said before storming out of the dining room towards Holuba Hall, their indoor practice facility.
According to witnesses, Paterno –currently the oldest living coach in college football at 84 years old– was doggedly unconvinced, even as his linebacker crew was presented to him performing block-shedding drills. It wasn’t until he got within the few feet necessary for him to see for himself, did he finally recognize his starting outside linebackers Nate Stupar and Michael Mauti saying, “Ah, these must be my backers. They grow ‘em so big these days. What’s your name again, fellas?”
This wasn’t the first time Paterno’s behavior has caused concern. In August, his son Jay Paterno lost sight of him for a moment, allowing him to wander out onto the field where he was struck by oncoming wide receivers. The legendary head coach suffered injuries to his elbow and hip but returned to practice later that week. 
Jay Paterno, who has been an assistant coach for the Nittany Lions for 17 years, now admits that his dad has became increasingly forgetful over the past few years.
“I’ll admit dad would get a little disoriented, but I just thought that was a result of his leather helmet days, Jay Paterno said, “I mean, he knows we always keep the linebackers on the south side of the practice field. We put them there so he can easily find them.”
Jay rejects the notion that his dad’s quirky memory may someday affect the team but reluctantly confirmed reports that his father has on occasion mistaken the entire student section for his wife Sue.
“That might explain why during games he’d scream at seating section ED to go get him a scotch and his slippers. I may have been in denial but I never knew what that meant until now.”
Joe Paterno has threatened to stick around for as long as it takes for Penn State to win another National Championship or until his dream is fulfilled of seeing the NCAA go back to the days when men were men and didn’t wear facemasks, or perhaps remove helmets altogether.
JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here. 
