NASA to pay cast of ‘Jersey Shore’ to stop being human

Jersey ShoreThe National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced on Monday that it has offered one million dollars to each cast member of MTV’s reality show “Jersey Shore” to undergo a radical medical procedure that will change them into a species separate from human beings.

“Think of it as an insurance policy for the human race,” said Gerald Marshall of NASA’s deep space research division.  “You can’t turn on the television, surf the Internet or read a magazine without seeing Jwoww‘s stupid grin.  Having these highly-visible individuals stand to the rest of the universe as representatives of humanity puts us all at very grave risk.”

According to a recent study conducted by a researcher employed by the space agency and Pennsylvania State University, there are a number of scenarios in which contact between human civilization and an alien lifeform could put our world into jeopardy.  “It’s quite likely that aliens would choose to wipe out humans to stop the spread of juiced-up ‘guidos’ from infecting the rest of the galaxy.  We must do something now.”

The transformation from homosapien to another species will be achieved through advanced genetic therapy, replacing key parts of the cast’s DNA with nucleotide chains from non-human organisms.  While this strategy is expected to put a safe distance between Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and the rest of the human race, it is also hoped the procedure will render the rambunctious young adults both more intelligible and sterile.

“Honestly, we don’t care what they transform into,” Marshall said. “I think Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino talked about wanting to become a shark or something and Paul ‘DJ Pauly D’ DelVecchi wanted to become a mountain gorilla, like King Kong … but dumber.  I heard Sammi ‘Sweetheart’ Giancola saying that she wanted to become a rhododendron, which is just as well.”

Not surprisingly, NASA’s announcement is being assailed by critics as another example of wasteful government spending.

“Why, in this period of runaway federal deficits, reckless monetary policy and military adventurism abroad, are we spending money on this?” said Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul at an Iowa campaign stop. “The likelihood of this having any positive effect on humanity is miniscule.  It’d be more much helpful to turn Fed Chariman Ben Bernanke into a gray ghost slug.  Can we do that?”

“Actually, Commander Marshall is correct,” said Tekox Zyndor, battalion commander of the Twelfth Order of Rigulons. “We began lurking just beyond your solar system after we intercepted a broadcast showing the Earth creature you call ‘Snooki’ engaged in mortal combat after someone dropped a sweetened alcoholic beverage on her blouse.  Such barbaric and violent activity is a clear indication that she comes from a debased race, and that you all must be exterminated.”

“However, now that we’ve learned that ‘Snooki’ is actually metamorphosing into a harmless sea-going manatee, we will spare your minor planet from obliteration.  As long as she can’t mate, that’s okay with us.”

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Mitchell Snyder Mitchell Snyder is a fully-licensed and bonded International Man of Parody. He's also the alter-ego for a business professional who can't stop listening to the funny voices in his head. He became a card-carrying member of Chicago's comedy-industrial complex when he started performing stand-up early in 2009, and has since branched out into writing satire articles. Send hate mail to mitchell.snyder@thechicagodope.com