The decision made last December to name the Big Ten’s two six-team divisions “Legends” and “Leaders” has been so wildly unpopular that Commissioner Jim Delany informed the member schools on Wednesday that he has decided to make a change.
“Beginning with the 2012 football season,” Delany said during a Wednesday teleconference, “each division of the Big Ten will bear the name of a title character from TNT’s smash hit crime procedural Rizzoli & Isles.”
“Obviously, Northwestern will be in the Isles division since she’s the hyper-intellectual medical examiner on the show,” Delany explained to representatives from the 12 member schools. “I haven’t quite figured out the rest yet,” Delany continued, “but it is my goal – first and foremost – to compose the Rizzoli division and the Ilses division in such a way that the Big Ten will become synonymous with the flawless chemistry and implicit sexual tension between Maura Isles and Jane Rizzoli.”
The commissioner went out of his way to make it clear that he did not take public criticism of the division names lightly and that, even though a great deal of time and research was put into coming up with Legends & Leaders, it was clear that a change was needed.
“If you have a way to ensure that your conference can associate the excitement of major college football with the possibility that two hot older women will start making out with one another, that’s a difficult opportunity to pass up,” Delany said in a press conference formally announcing his decision. “Whether it’s great original programming like The Closer and HawthoRNe or syndicated episodes of The Mentalist and Law & Order, TNT has long had a reputation for knowing drama. We’re hoping to bring that kind of winning philosophy to the Big Ten.”
After wrapping up his remarks, Delany began staring blankly at the members of the press while daydreaming about the prospect of some impromptu, on-camera girl-on-girl action between Angie Harmon (Rizzoli) and Sasha Alexander (Isles). The commissioner idled in front of the crowd of reporters for approximately five minutes until his wife approached the podium and reminded him that they he needed to wrap it up if they wanted to make it home in time to catch this week’s episode of Leverage.
Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany, moments before drifting into an Angie Harmon-induced trance
Though they did not have the power to obstruct the change, the football coaches unanimously approved a resolution supporting Delany’s decision at last week’s Big Ten media days.
“I think it’s great,” said Penn State coach Joe Paterno. “The Will-They-Won’t-They dynamic between Rizzoli & Isles reminds me of the unspoken romantic tension we haven’t had between coaches in the Big Ten since Lloyd Carr and John Cooper were patrolling the sidelines, eye-fucking each other from across the field.”
Some of the coaches, however, had a more lukewarm reaction to the move. “I’m more of a USA Network kind of guy,” opined rookie Ohio State coach Luke Fickell. “Let’s face it: Burn Notice is the best show on TV. Certainly better than anything they’ve got on TNT. But hey, I’ll take anything over Legends and Leaders.”
Other division names considered by Commissioner Delany included Thelma & Louise, Keenan & Kel, Jake & The Fat Man, Ross & Rachel, Franklin & Bash, Starskey & Hutch, Cagney & Lacey, The Mamas & The Papas, and Turner & Hooch.
99% of what Connor Tapp does is a desperate cry for attention; contributing to The Chicago Dope is no exception. The remaining 1% is primarily devoted to Netflix instant streaming. 
