The Chicago Dope Sportsclusive
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On the heels of signing a 5-year, $90 million contract, Peyton Manning shocked the sports world by revealing to The Chicago Dope that his pre-snap play changes are complete gibberish and the seemingly instructional gestures to his offense as he stands behind center are nothing more than him waving his arms around randomly.
The Colt's offensive line wonders what Manning means by "two bottles of beer on the wall, two bottles of beer"
For nearly everyone around the league and football fans everywhere, Peyton Manning is considered to be a crafty and intellectual field general, able to read defenses and pick them apart better than any quarterback in the NFL.
However, the truth came out after his first practice following the NFL lockout when the Indianapolis Colts quarterback accidentally admitted that the time away would not have an impact on his game as he “only has a few plays that he needs to remember anyways.”
The Chicago Dope was on site at the Indianapolis Colts training camp in Anderson, Indiana when Manning admitted that his playbook is just a page long and his understanding of the game is nearly zero. The news will certainly devastate his reputation as a cerebral signal caller. But because all this comes after securing franchise status with the Colts and signing his contract extension, he believes he can rest easy with the truth getting out.
“I just go out and throw the ball. I’m sort of glad I don’t have to lie any more,” said the future Hall-of-Famer who’s new contract should take him into retirement. “Do you have any gum? I sure could use some gum.”
Manning shouts out "Red Rover come on over"
When asked about what all of his audibles and hand gestures actually meant, Manning’s teammate and Colts starting running back Joseph Addai stepped in to protect his alarmingly dimwitted quarterback.
“None of us knows what he’s saying,” Addai said. “But that’s OK. Sure he screams out ‘Red Rover, Red Rover’ when the linebackers show blitz. He doesn’t know what they are up to but it’s kind of funny watching the defense adjust to his calls and hand signals when they actually don’t mean anything.”
Addai, who we have now learned is Manning’s personal handler and life-guide, explained that head coach Jim Caldwell signals for Peyton to snap the ball whenever the defense moves out of position in response to his screaming and wild pointing gestures. “The play never changes the entire time.”
Forced to address Manning’s lack of understanding of the game and the lengths the Colts have had to go through to keep it a league secret, Caldwell held a press conference at the Colts training facility on Monday.
Caldwell said Manning, who is known to giggle when being chased by blitzing linebackers, doesn’t have the mental capacity to read even the most simple of defenses.
The Colts QB makes cow noises at opposing middle linebackers
“And as for offensive plays, he essentially knows three,” Caldwell said. “Everyone go out for a pass, hand the ball to the fast guy, and the one where someone kicks it. That’s it.”
According to Caldwell, his former offensive coordinator Tom Moore (now with the New York Jets) worked with Manning throughout his career to make up for his intellectual shortfalls.
“To Tom’s credit, he really was able to take advantage of Peyton’s exceptional physical skills by creating the “snap when they react” scheme,” Caldwell said. “We’d have Peyton shout out a bunch of random numbers, nod to [wide receiver] Reggie [Wayne] or Dallas [Clark] as if he was changing the routes, and when the linebackers and safeties shifted in response, we’d run the original play that was sent in. It was brilliant.”
“He’s just a superbly gifted athlete. But to imagine him actually calling audibles and managing the offense out there on the field. . .,” Caldwell said with an uncomfortable chuckle, “. . .well, that would be a disaster.”
Caldwell admits that the Colts may need to drastically change their schemes now that NFL defenses know their secret. “Then again, I may just tell ol’ Payton that the cornerbacks think he’s stupid. He doesn’t like being called stupid. Why do you think Marvin [Harrison] had to leave the team?”
JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here. 
