In a last-ditch effort to avert a default on the national debt and reach a compromise, President Barack Obama offered to sell his favorite skateboard to raise funds for the federal government.
This came on top of Obama’s previous offers to include his lucky rabbit’s foot and a genuine Red Ryder BB gun as part of any deal.
He rejected calls by Republicans to throw in his baseball autographed by the 2005 Chicago White Sox on the grounds that Republicans should have to dig into their own closets as well.
“I believe in shared sacrifices. The American people believe in shared sacrifices. It’s time for the Republicans to cough up and show us they’re serious about tackling this problem,” Obama said on Friday. “Speaker Boehner has a toy Millennium Falcon in mint condition. He’s even got the original Death Star with most of the pieces and I know he never plays with them anymore.”
Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.), one of the so-called “gang of six” congressional negotiators working on this issue, said he offered to sell his old beer can collection on the grounds that his wife wants it out of the garage anyway. He estimated it might net as much as five bucks at a flea market.
“I’ll part with the entire lot of it except for my can of Billy Beer, that’s a keeper. You guys remember Billy Beer, from Jimmy Carter’s brother?” Coburn said. “Even my wife thinks that one’s a hoot.”
Sen. Mark Warner (D-Va.), another “gang of six” member, said Coburn’s offer wasn’t serious on the grounds that everybody in Congress knew Coburn already had his old collection boxed up and ready to sell for months.
“This proves the Republicans don’t really want to tackle the debt because they want Democrats and their supporters to make all the sacrifices,” Warner said. “I’ve already agreed to part with my lucky bowling ball but the Republicans won’t cough up. The other day one of them offered me a broken skate key to trade for my favorite pocket knife. What kind of deal is that?”
Several freshmen “tea party” caucus members were asked for their views on this issue, but every one of them held their breath and stomped their feet until they turned blue. They were each taken to the Congressional nursery for story time and a nap.
House Speaker John Boehner said Republicans in his caucus were unlikely to budge from their original stance of Democrats selling all of their prized possessions and Republicans giving nothing in return.
“Look we’ve already said we would take away the lunch money of the middle class kids and the food stamps from the poor kids so the rich kids can buy more baseball cards and pop rocks, or whatever it is kids are into these days,” Boehner said. “We’re willing to compromise on this issue by letting the president give us everything we want.”
Boehner said giving more money to the rich kids would eventually help out the less fortunate, such as when a rich kid drops a piece of candy on the ground and a poor kid is able to pick it up. He called it a perfect example of trickle-down economics.
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