To experienced furniture climbers like Evan and Ryan Johnson and their friend Danny Reynolds, the layout of a typical family room doesn’t normally pose much of a challenge. But when Evan alerted everyone to the fact that the ground suddenly changed to lava, their afternoons would be changed forever.
For years, the boys had climbed this furniture-scape in their multi-level home on Shadybrook Lane in Aurora Illinois. But on a hot Saturday afternoon this last fourth of July weekend, they faced an unexpected challenge when Evan shouted, “the floor is made of lava!” causing them to leap from their sitting positions from where they had been quietly watching Spongebob Square Pants.
Evan and Danny, each eleven-years-old, and Evan’s younger brother Ryan, who is eight, suddenly found themselves sitting on the precipice of the sectional sofa, laughing nervously at the predicament they had found themselves in.
The intrepid explorers faced a life-or-death dilemma and were forced to consider their options: attempt the dangerous journey and risk a treacherous fall from an ottoman or recliner onto the fiery bubbling lava or wait until Evan announces that the floor has hardened and is safe to walk upon, as is customary of “The Floor is Lava” game.
There had been some hope that their mother might come downstairs, call them to dinner and send Danny home, but that saving grace did not come for hours. They would be forced to attempt an escape to the safety of another room.
Minutes went by as the boys worked out their escape plan. Evan, a veteran household furnishings scaler, instructed everyone to wait until he could explain their situation and the rules under which they would have to proceed. It was this forbearance that may have saved he and his brother from getting, according to Evan, “all burned up and stuff.” But according to the Johnson boys, Danny failed to head these directions and sadly didn’t survive the journey.
The plan was to make it from the couch to the kitchen, the shortest and safest route, but also a place where they could get a snack because they were all getting a little hungry. All pillows on the floor were considered to be lava-resistant and safe to walk on. He warned that any part of their body that touched the floor would be consumed by the intense heat of the liquid rock, leading to a swift and painful death.
Their escape route would start with a five-foot leap to a throw pillow laying in the center of the room. Its small size meant that they had to proceed one at a time. Next was the coffee table, a necessary but risky path because their mother had warned the boys, like a zillion times, never to sit or stand on it, because it was the only nice thing left in the room.
“I didn’t think I was going to make it,” Ryan said, “…too bad we lost Danny when that the blanket he was standing on burst into flames.”
“Yeah,” Evan said, shaking his head over the loss of his friend of seven years.
Despite Danny’s repeated objections, the two survivors reported that their friend from down the street was a goner the moment he strayed from the agreed-upon course and jumped on the blanket.
“No fair! I didn’t die!” Danny objected, claiming that everyone knows throw blankets turn to rocks too.
“He did so die,” Ryan countered. “Because the magma sharks also got to him.”
Exhausted, but determined, the two brothers left their pouting friend burning in the center of the
lava-covered floor, being mauled by magma sharks. They pulled themselves up and over a dangerously unstable Lazyboy recliner and continued on.
Leaping to the safety of the laminate wood floor of the kitchen they were filled with a sense of relief, finally being out of harms way. The boy’s hearts were racing, still filled with adrenaline.
After surviving their dangerous trek, they slumped up against the refrigerator just as their father rushed into the room to investigate the crashing noises he had heard from the other end of the house.
“I was glad to see that they were ok, with the commotion and all,” said Jason Johnson, the owner of the home and the boy’s father. “I could hear these knuckleheads from the other side of the house.”
Johnson wasn’t sure what all this lava talk was about or why the neighbor kid kept yelling “blankets are rocks too,” but he sent them all outside to play before they broke something.
As for the sudden appearance of lava fields in the Chicago area, Rachael Talbott, a spokesperson from the U.S. Geological Survey was unable to corroborate the story, saying that there hasn’t been any volcanic activity in the area for millions of years, since the Cretaceous period.
“We were surprised to hear that there were reports of a lava flow in Aurora,” Talbott said. “A survey team visited the home but nothing was found. We suspect the older brother may have since called ‘time out’ or declared that the floor wasn’t lava anymore, thus removing all evidence.”
JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here. 
