Preston Smithwick III
A debate between the two candidates for mayor of Fairfield, Illinois took an unexpected turn when incumbent Bob Patterson’s two-year-old opponent, Preston Smithwick III, made a stinky in his dipey-wipey.
Smithwick’s cherubic face began to contort during Wednesday’s televised showdown after Patterson asserted that the challenger’s inexperience and adorably underdeveloped motor skills left him woefully unprepared to handle the city’s looming budget crisis. After a few moments of silence, Smithwick began to shake his arms in a fury as tears ran down his smashed pea-stained cheeks.
Pundits initially applauded Smithwick for being “emotionally engaged” in contrast to Patterson’s stoic style of leadership but spent most of Thursday morning backpedaling as rumors began to surface that the cause of the outburst was Smithwick’s mid-afternoon poopy-woopy.
“When my opponent said that it was time for a change at city hall, I didn’t know he was talking about his Huggies,” Patterson told reporters as he departed city hall on Thursday. Smithwick’s parents issued a press release assuring voters that their son would be transitioning to big boy pants within the next six months to a year.
While early focus group data did not reveal a clear winner in the debate, 60 percent of Fairfielders expressed serious concerns that Smithwick’s plan for ending the police department’s labor strike is a drawing of a stick figure standing under the sun. Undeterred, the challenger’s campaign is touting a Rasmussen poll showing that a two thirds majority favor Smithwick over Patterson on the question of, “Which candidate would you rather share a glass of warm milk with?”
Editor’s note: We initially reported that Preston Smithwick III is two years old, but Mr. Smithwick’s campaign has asked us to remind you that he is two and a half.
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