Due to a widespread lack of anyone giving a shit about his Presidential campaign, former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty is set to announce his candidacy for the fifth time tomorrow via a tweeted photo of his penis.
Pawlenty’s previous declarations, which began as early as March, have included leaks to reporters, speaking appearances in key caucus states, and showy YouTube videos. However, after recent polling evidence revealed that only 14 Americans are aware of his campaign, advisers have instructed the candidate to make his intentions known in a more titillating way.
“He’s got to show his cock,” said media strategist Craig O’Brien. “I mean, we’ve been issuing press releases like they’re going out of business, and we can’t even get a headline in the Pawlenty family newsletter. Then Anthony Wiener goes and hangs his dick on Twitter and he’s running on a loop on CNN. So I said to Tim, if we’re not willing to go balls out, why are we even in this thing?”
The plan right now, according to O’Brien, is for the moderately Conservative former Midwestern governor to “accidentally” tweet a photo of his penis and his balls in a pair of boxer shorts featuring his campaign website, www.Big&Pawlenty.com, then offer a carefully staged series of denials and conspiracy theories, before eventually admitting that it is obviously him in the photo.
While Pawlenty’s attempt to generate interest in his campaign is unusual, it is not without precedent, according to Presidential scholars. Historians suggest, in fact, that not only have many Presidential campaigns turned on dick pics, some have stooped as low as creating bombastic infomercials aimed solely at disgracing a war hero’s military record and nakedly assassinating his character.
“We know this takes balls, but in the history of democratic politics in this country, this is peanuts.” O’Brien said. “And given how little people seem to care about Tim versus Mitt, Newt, Palin or Trump, I just don’t see how this ends with us getting the shaft.”
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
