Twenty-four hours before Game 3 of the NBA Finals, Dallas Mavericks power forward Dirk Nowitzki finds himself in a historically unique position: a German fighting against an existential threat to mankind.
If these outfits don't say evil, they definitely say "trying too hard to look cool"
Friends and teammates say that Nowitzki, a ten-time All-Star and former NBA MVP, has become maniacally, and perhaps unstably, focused on saving humanity from the Miami Heat.
“Dirk doesn’t live under a rock,” said Mavericks guard Jason Terry. “He has seen what we’ve all seen: The Decision, the Yes.We.Did celebration, the post-game outfits (see above). He has tasted their evil and knows what could happen if they obtain a World Championship.”
Dallas Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle has counseled Nowitzki to focus not on basketball but on summoning his inner super hero.
“Dirk is a spectacular player,” said Carlisle. “His winner [in Game 2] showed us that for the millionth time. He has all the skills he needs to fend off a cataclysm. Now he just needs to learn from others who have saved mankind before him.”
According to Terry, since the Finals began, Nowitzki has devoted nearly every spare moment to reading the Biblical tale of Noah’s Ark, while exhaustively watching Star Wars, Armageddon, Deep Blue Sea and I Am Legend.
“He knows that if the world watches Chris Bosh or LeBron parade down South Beach, the results will be catastrophic, possibly apocalyptic,” concluded Terry. “No basketball player has had this much riding on his performance since Michael Jordan took on the Monsters in Space Jam. As we speak, Dirk is alone in his room, wearing a brown robe and waving around a light saber, pretending to be a Jedi. The dude is either really, really ready for this, or he’s about to have a mental breakdown.”
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
