Despite accusations that the current administration has appointed an unprecedented number of policy czars and that these roles are outside of constitutional principles, President Barack Obama has selected yet another czar to solve the vexing problem of czar/tsar ambiguity found in America’s crossword puzzles.
The White House asserts that previous administrations have appointed special advisers to address specific problems and this situation is no different.
Obama in disbelief he can't figure out 12-across
The appointment comes as a result Obama’s struggles with the clue “powerful Presidential political pick or bygone despot” while traveling to El Paso Texas last Tuesday to deliver his speech on immigration. Pool reporters claim that Obama, faced with nearly half a dozen answer variants for the Slavic word for “caesar,” became stuck on 12-across for over an hour. His frustration degenerated into a rage, leading him to throw his folded USA Today Life section across Air Force One.
“Damn it! Is that an ‘s’ or a ‘z’!?” Obama is reported to have shouted, angry that the entire upper left quarter of the puzzle hinged on the answer.
On Thursday, Obama appointed Daniel Johanson, a Yale English Professor, to finally tackle the unmanageable list of versions of “czar.” and stem the loss of $7 billion per year in lost productivity due to this unique word ambiguity.
“Having multiple versions of the same word can be confusing and time consuming to the American public,” Johanson said. “We aim to control the sky-rocketing number of possible answers for “business bigwig” or “Russian ruler, once.”
The first phase will begin in the 2012 when the seldom-used tzar and csar variants will be removed entirely. Johanson is optimistic that the “tsesar” variant, being the full form of the contraction “tsar,” will also be stricken. According to Johanson, the fact that it is made up of six letters and will not fit into the traditional 4-letter answer boxes anyway, “its removal will be the easiest part of the job. I mean, does anyone ever see that word…anywhere?”
The hard part will come later on in the year when a select committee of etymologists, chaired by Johanson, will attempt to address the final two forms of tsar and czar. The goal will be difficult because the cruciverbalists on the committee will undoubtedly advocate for keeping the variants as they are. The final ruling by the czar/tsar czar will ensure that crossword enthusiasts will only have to deal with one form of the answer to the clue “Ivan, for one”.
Johanson suspects that the final version may end up being “czar,” if only to ensure he won’t have to change his title.
Upon the completion of this herculean effort, he will be assigned to deal with the catsup/ketchup and donut/doughnut controversies but the most monumental task still awaits. By the end of the year, Johanson expects to address Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi and the 115,200 alternate spellings of his name. A vexing challenge that terrorizes not only crossword enthusiasts but also readers of the world news section of newspapers everywhere.
Obama Image modified from Callie Shell / Aurora for TIME
JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here. 
