A Chicago lawyer who complained about the large breasts of his opposition doubled down on his complaint on Friday by suing the woman herself, seeking compensation for his inability to work and possible need of rehabilitation.
The dispute began when attorney Thomas Gooch asked Cook County Circuit Judge Anita Rivkin-Carothers to remove a woman from the opposing counsel’s table on the ground that the woman’s large breasts were an intentional distraction. Gooch is representing the plaintiff in a trial to begin June 2.
Gooch asserted that the woman, identified as Daniella Atencia, really isn’t a paralegal and that her only purpose in court is to keep him distracted with her large breasts.
“Seriously, all I can think about these days are that ‘paralegal’ and Christina Hendricks, Salma Hayak and, you get the picture.” Gooch said. “A woman with breasts like that can’t possibly be a paralegal, can she?”
Gooch said the fact that he’s representing Exotic Motors in the case made it hard enough to keep a straight face in the courtroom. He then blushed and giggled at his use of the term “hard enough.”
“I’ve been unable to think straight ever since I saw that woman. I keep thinking about what if I had to debrief her, or if there would be stiff penalties if we lost the case and maybe I’d have to withdraw before it was too late. Would I be stiffed by the client? I mean, I’m not handling this pro bono,” Gooch said. “Hey, anybody got a cigarette?”
Gooch said he’s already seeing a psychiatrist, is finding it hard to concentrate on his work even outside the courtroom and his meals have consisted of making two large mounds of mashed potatoes and sticking his face between them. His suit against Atencia includes a claim for potential treatment of “mammary obsessivitis”
His courtroom opponent, attorney Dmitry N. Feofanov, said Atencia is indeed a real paralegal and is there in court for some reason he couldn’t think of, as he was temporarily distracted as Atencia walked by.
“Sure she attracts attention, but man up dude. You see hot women all over the place. A lot of court reporters are pretty easy on the eyes but as a lawyer that’s what we train for, to avoid getting distracted from eye candy no matter how tempting it is,” Feofanov said. “His motion is a clear case of large breast discrimination and as a straight guy I’ll have to fight that with a lawsuit on Atencia’s behalf. After all, she’s also my wife. It’s not just about her, though. It’s about the rights of stacked women everywhere.”
Atencia was asked for comment and probably said something, but her breasts prevented any meaningful communication from taking place. For his part, Gooch said he would welcome such a challenge and would look forward to his day in court on that issue.
“Can you imagine the hearings we could have on that? We could demonstrate how distracting it is to have a hot chick in the room by flooding the courtroom with them,” Gooch said. “Of course, I’d have to hire someone to represent me on that, probably a woman, as myself or any other guy would be too distracted but it’d be worth it for the view.”
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