Chicago-area suburbs are bracing themselves for the potential destruction of their communities as they face the prospect of attractive young women serving food and beer while showing their midriffs, legs and a bit of cleavage—the likes of which have apparently never been seen before in the region.
Tilted Kilt, a sports bar franchise that features wait staff in plaid skirts and belly-baring tops, has already invaded the suburbs of Chicago Ridge and Roselle, as well as downtown Chicago. Other establishments are coming to Schaumburg, Vernon Hills and Oakbrook Terrace.
Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl is leading the charge against the establishment. She recently blocked Tilted Kilt’s application for a liquor license and called it a stance for old-fashioned Victorian-era views.
“I have it on good authority that the women who work at Tilted Kilt actually use their good looks and sex appeal to encourage their male customers to part with their hard-earned money,” Tisdahl said. “This has never happened before in the history of western civilization.”
Tisdahl said having Northwestern University in her town made rejecting Tilted Kilt’s application especially important, as young men would otherwise be distracted from their studies. This is why she encourages all of Northwestern’s female students to keep their petticoats covered at all times, with full-length dresses from neck to ankle—especially when jogging along the lakefront.
“I believe all the young ladies on Northwestern’s campus would never think of showing off their flat stomachs, legs and cleavage. If they did, young men might find themselves with a proclivity of primal urges,” Tisdahl said. “If we can keep Tilted Kilt out of the community, then we can keep these young men from ever having such carnal desires.”
Bill Smith, a Northwestern freshman, said he nearly quit school during his first semester after accidentally seeing a girl in her pantaloons. He credited Tisdahl for looking out for the moral fiber of the community.
“Last weekend I was at a party where a girl’s skirt showed her ankles. All the guys started acting like baboons, hitting each other with bones and trying to be the alpha male around her,” Smith said. “Just the idea of that horrible restaurant coming to this town was enough to make women think they should put themselves on display.”
Steve Johnson, who works near Tilted Kilt’s downtown location, said the productivity of himself and his male colleagues completely evaporated once the pub opened. Similar results have been reported near the establishment’s other locations.
“Everyone knows it takes an awful lot to make a guy think about women or sex. Before this place opened, the only way a guy could see cleavage was if he was married. I didn’t even know breasts existed before this and now they’re all I can think about,” Johnson said. “Those suburbs don’t know what’s about to hit them.”
Marcus Manfred is an enigma. A simple and complex man who was raised by wolves in the lower upper part of the eastern west. He is more than you think and less than you know. He is the solution to every question you have ever asked, as long as the answer is three. 
This is friggin’ hilarious. “Everyone knows it takes an awful lot to make a guy think about women or sex” – so true!