Interplanet Janet’s return to Earth ended in catastrophe on Friday when the nation’s most beloved space explorer broke up and exploded over the Gulf of Mexico.
After a two-month tour of the inner solar system, the beloved spacecraft was returning home loaded with a treasure trove of scientific measurement and samples. At 7:30 am local time at Kennedy Space Center in Florida, Interplanet Janet entered the earth’s atmosphere at nearly 17,700 mph and inexplicably burst into flames and debris at an altitude of nearly 34,000 feet.
“She was the most advanced of our ‘Galaxy Girl’ series of space vehicles,” said NASA spokesperson Deborah Tillman. “The world has lost a very special space probe.”
NASA plans to initiate an accident investigation board to determine the cause of the calamity. While no official explanation is expected until completion of the study, there is an indication that one of her breastplates may have broken loose during the launch, causing a weakness in her heat shield.
“While her undergarments were heat resistant,” Tillman said, “they would not be able to withstand such intense levels of temperatures and pressures typical of a reentry.”
There never was a planet Janet hadn't seen
Most known for her high resolution observations of the planets, Interplanet Janet has played a significant role in our better understanding of the solar system. This particular mission was expected to confirm, once and for all, the scientific theories that the Sun is “a hot spot, it’s a gas”, and that “the mercury on Mercury was much too high.”
A magna cum laude graduate of Schoolhouse Rock College, a small private college in northern Indiana, Interplanet Janet double majored in Astrophysics and Grammar. She then joined the Air Force and had successful tours in Iraq and Afghanistan as a predator drone until leaving the service to begin her career at NASA in 2004.
Lifelong friend Lolly, Jr was overwhelmed with grief. “I just can’t find the adverbs to describe what I’m feeling right now other than that I’m really, very, extremely sad,” Lolly said mournfully.
Services will be held for Interplanet Janet on Friday for family and friends in her home town of Conjunction Junction. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to help a financially strained National Aeronautics and Space Administration.
JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here. 
