With just over a week since the death of bin Laden and the controversy that ensued, President Barack Obama turned to domestic issues on Wednesday by revealing his proposal for a new nanny state that he says “I think you’re really going to like this time.”
Struggling to recover from the 2010 midterm elections that resulted in an invigorated conservative movement, Obama is hopeful that this version of a caretaker style of government — one that is super attractive and may even have an English accent — will better appeal to the American people.
Despite being excessively overprotective, who wouldn't want this lovely government program forcing Americans to get their flu vaccines?
Obama and has said that America has long needed a nanny state to keep an eye on things and ensure everyone stays out of trouble, particularly when he goes out of the country on business or has to work late.
The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) will be in charge of evaluating the prospective program. Deputy Director Bill Corr told The Chicago Dope that, as the principal agency for protecting the health of all Americans, the HHS is committed to enacting a nanny state that will never be cross or cruel and must have a cheery disposition.
“We’re not going to have some mean unattractive program looking after you, so don’t you worry your little head about that,” Corr said.
Corr was pressed by reporters who wanted to know if Americans would really need to do everything the new nanny state tells them to do. He admitted that there will be times when, “with a low, firm, authoritative tone, you will be asked to do things you won’t want to do, but because our new nanny state knows what’s best for you, you will undoubtedly comply.”
“What will really makes the system so much better than past proposals will be its alluring, foreign feel,” Corr said. “Being really hot and having a sweet sexy English accent is simply too enchanting to ignore, particularly for the demographic of men aged 14-84.”
“Anyone who’s ever had the fortune of meeting an attractive English woman in her mid 20s while vacationing in Bali will know how irresistible they and can get you to try things that you might otherwise feel uncomfortable doing,” Corr said. “You’ll really have to take my word for it.”
But this type of program has been raised before without much success. Bill Clinton spent most of his first two years in office trying to convince Hillary, who was chairwoman of his Task Force on National Health Care Reform, to bring on an incredibly attractive and super hot safety net, and one that he promissed to personally administer. But the election of a Republican Congress crushed Clinton’s dream of having a really nice and drop dead gorgeous nanny state that would tend to his own, and of course, the nation’s every want and need.
Attempts to legislate nanny programs as a way to protect Americans from themselves have traditionally been met with stiff opposition from fiscal conservatives and civil libertarians alike.
Roger McDowell, a fellow at the Libertarian think tank The Cato Institute, said people will want to do what they want to do and won’t be nagged by some caretaker government.
“The American people don’t need to be told what to eat, how to take better care of their health or be forced to save a portion of their earnings into an national retirement plan.” McDowell said. “And it probably won’t help even if it tells you what to do some English accent. I’ve seen The Super Nanny. That’s not real life, people.”
But the Obama administration disagrees and points out that “if you looked around this place lately, America obviously needs to bring in some help, at least until things settle down a bit.”
“Our kids aren’t eating healthy, no one’s picking up after themselves, and there are weapons and gateway drugs just laying around out in the open. We just need some help around here,” Corr said.
“Because the nanny state would be totally smoking hot and as long as the scolding and incessant overriding of our personal decisions are done in a really intriguing and seductive accent, Americans won’t mind at all.”
“We were really close to calling this the ‘Au Pair Program’,” Core said, “. .. but then we were told by Speaker [of the House, John] Boehner that regardless of how incredibly attractive, perky, and sophisticated it looked on the brochure, the program sounded too French to get any support from Republicans.”
JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here. 
