Texas traded to Mexico in four-state deal

U.S. State Department officials announced on Thursday that the state of Texas, a perennial all-pro in energy and cattle production, was traded to Mexico in a four state deal involving Baja California and much of the Yucatan Peninsula.

Texas, who has quarreled with the front office in Washington D.C. in recent decades, was given over to the Mexican government in a deal expected to be completed within the month. In exchange for the Lone Star State, the U.S. will receive the two Mexican states on the Baja Peninsula, which lie just south of California, and Yucatán, a popular destination for vacationers situated on the warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico.

As part of the deal the U.S. will be given an option next season to select any Mexican state that has not been given franchise status. Foreign policy experts believe the U.S. may shore up it’s Yucatan Peninsula position next spring by picking up Quintana Roo, home to world famous vacation spots such as the city of Cancún and the island of Cozumel.

Texas has long sought free agent statusand has reportedly been extremely unhappy with its role on the U.S. team. Texas Governor Rick Perry has often threatened to take the state’s all-pro skills elsewhere, saying that the U.S. has not lived up to its contractual obligations.

Texans calls for free agency in the weeks before Mexican deal went through - Photo by Josh Berthume / The Texas Observer

While she refused to comment on the deal, unnamed sources from the State Department have said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is relieved with the trade, a sentiment that has not surprised most writers who cover U.S. foreign policy.

“This Texas trade is a great move for the United States as far as anyone familiar with the situation can tell,” said Julian Muehler, a foreign policy analyst with The Economist. “On the surface, it may seem like they’ve given too much away. But despite how much talent and production this seasoned pro has provided year end and year out,  Texas’ incessant whining, complaining and continual threats of going elsewhere has caused a lot of problems within the organization.  Their constant demands to be better appreciated were starting to grow thin.”

As Texas became a larger economic powerhouse, its relationships began to change with other states and its treatment of them caused rifts and turmoil within the organization.  Water feuds with Oklahoma and New Mexico had become common over the past decade and in an awkwardly public quarrel, California accused Texas of stealing jobs this year.

Others have complained that Texas has been belligerent with other states in the organization, making them uncomfortable with intimidating, in-your-face statements such as “Don’t mess with Texas.”

“Dude, no one is messing with you,” Rhode Island said in a tweet at the end of last season. “We’re all just doing our own thing. Chill out.”

Additionally, Texas has been dragging the nation’s education system down with some of the worst standardized tests and graduation rates in the country. Its attempt to gut science and civics standards in the classroom and rumors that it was removing Jesus from Texas Bibles for political reasons have left some on the U.S. team to to encourage the state to find greener pastures.

Making matters worse, accusations recently surfaced that Texas is responsible for the one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the country. Analysts believe that it was these scandalous off-field antics that finally drove the U.S. to take action.

“How many teens can you get pregnant before someone steps in and says enough is enough?” Muehler said.

Despite the disaffection north of the border, Mexican President Felipe Calderon said he was impressed by his newly acquired state’s productivity. With oil reserves that had outperformed the rest of the U.S., as well as mineral, lumber and farming resources, Texas was the second largest economy in the United States last season with an output that rivaled Russia. Despite these numbers, Calderon has had to ward off critics who charge that Texas had coasted off its talents and natural resources lately and has never really showed much effort.

“However it interacted with other states before this deal is not a concern to me because Mexico is not the United States,” Calderon said. “We run a very different organization over here.”

“Texas actually exceeds the economic output of all of Mexico,” Muehler said. “You just have to look at the numbers and it seems crazy. The Calderon government got a steal here and now seems to have put themselves in a great position for  next season.”

Texas is certainly apprehensive about the deal and has even charged that the U.S. made this trade with Mexico out of spite. Despite its near constant grumbling, dissatisfaction with its role within the country and hints that it would leave the union, Texas recently issued a statement that  it never really wanted to go anywhere and was content to stay on the team.

“Look, only 21 percent of Texas Republicans ever wanted to separate from the United States,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry, who enjoyed a 69-18 lead with secessionists in his last election. “Besides, I never said we should leave. I only said that we could. . .if we wanted. . . but we don’t. . . and then I may have winked.”

But the deal is done according to U.S. State Department spokesman Mark Toner.

“While we appreciate Texas’ past contributions and wish them well, we are pleased to be able to work out a deal that benefits all parties concerned.  We want to welcome our new states and we think they’ll fit nicely into our system,” Toner said.  “Plus we’re picking up some really great places to vacation.”

The U.S. team’s next challenge seems to be Alaska, which despite having a phenomenal contract, rumors are that it may also be unhappy and is shopping around.

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