Gender Battles: NFL Draft, Royal Wedding converge to form ultimate “Who Gives a Shit?” weekend

With the NFL Draft and the British Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton converging this weekend, experts expect that men and women across the country will be asking themselves, “Who Gives a Shit?” at historically unprecedented rates in the upcoming three days.

“From a ‘Who Gives a Shit?’ perspective, this is monumental,” said Gladys Mortenstein-Gomez, a Women’s Studies professor at Northwestern, who has studied gender clashes for more than two decades. “I never thought anything would surpass the June, 2008 Sunday when the season finale of Deadliest Catch collided with E!’s coverege of the 58th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards Red Carpet Gala. But the NLF Draft and the Royal Wedding in one weekend? This takes ‘Who Gives a Shit-ness?’ to new heights.”

Mortenstein-Gomez says that men’s and women’s obsessive interests in the NFL draft and Royal Wedding respectively are uniquely and equally puzzling to members of their opposite sex. Based on a recent survey of nearly 2,000 individuals, Northwestern has published research revealing each genders’ chief concerns pertaining to the Royal Wedding and the NFL Draft (see sidebars).

While the primary force of the Gender Battles will play out over the coming weekend (mostly between girlfriends and boyfriends who have stopped trying to impress their girlfriends), experts says that signs of the upcoming War are already infiltrating various parts of American life.

“While our research is premature and I can’t yet claim anything conclusive, we believe that men and women are already actively trying to ascertain, ‘Who Gives a Shit?’,” explained Mortenstein-Gomez. “For instance, at the proverbial water cooler, we find that men keep muttering to themselves, ‘Who Gives a Shit?’ when his female colleagues discuss the details of the wedding guest list, or rumors about the Queen’s feelings towards Kate’s middle class roots. Similarly, we see women on the CTA offering clear ‘Who Gives a Shit?’ stares at the grown, presumably heterosexual men sitting across from them. Their curiousity seem to stem from those men entertaining themselves by talking about the ‘soft hands,’ ‘high hips,’ and ‘quick twitch muscles’ of 20 year old boys they like watching play with balls.'”

Based on her research, Mortenstein-Gomez plans on publishing a book entitled: Why Did Anybody Give a Shit? A Meaningless Spring Weekend Gone Wild. It will be available this coming fall.

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Chandler Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does.