After nearly 2,000 years of persecution, in his new book, Jesus of Nazareth – Part II, Pope Benedict XVI officially exonerates Jews for their role in the death of Jesus Christ, the Christian Lord and Savior. While Pope Benedict absolved Jews for their role in Jesus’ crucifixion, he did remain steadfast in blaming Hebrews for their role in last fall’s comedy film Sex and the City 2.
While theologians say that Pope Benedict’s case for Jews’ innocence in Christ’s death is the Church’s most outwardly progressive statement on the topic to date, they also report that the Pontificate maintains a more dogmatic, hard-line position regarding the abomination that was Sex and the City 2.
Pope Benedict XVI has investigated both situations, and absolves Jews of their role in Christ's death. Sex and the City 2 is still on them though...
A Vatican spokesman addressed the Pope’s recent declarations regarding Jewish-Catholic relations with the media on Wednesday.
“The Holy One has made improving relations with Jewish people around the world a priority, and so he has taken on deep Biblical and historical study regarding the controversy surrounding Jews and Jesus’ death. After pouring over many verses with great attention, there is no evidence of a conspiracy by Jews to submit Jesus to Pontius Pilate’s will,” said the Vatican. “However, upon further investigating Sex and the City 2, from Warner Brothers CEO Barry Meyer, all the way down to all the HBO-loving Silversteins and Grossmans of New York City, Pope Benedict feels that the movie was primarily financed by, marketed to, and patronized by Jewish people. He remains committed to his belief that the blood of this disaster is on Jews’ hands.”
The Vatican maintains that while the Pope is a devoted fan of the early chapters of Sex and the City, when it was a groundbreaking HBO television program, he feels that the later incarnations of the franchise, culminating in the heretical movie sequel, bastardize the canon of great work and should be viewed accordingly.
“The Holy One considers it a terrible tragedy what happened to his beloved Sex and the City,” said the Vatican spokesman. “Because Jewish movie executives could not resist the temptation to squeeze every last dollar out of Carrie and her sassy trio of gal pals, we are left with the cartoonish exaggerated, emotionally trite, and staggeringly unoriginal disgrace that is Sex and the City 2. Pope Benedict is sad to see that his cherished TV program ended as a parody of itself, and places the blame squarely at the feet of the Jewish people.”
Ellen Adler, a spokesman for the Anti-Defamation League, addressed the Church’s announcements.
“We are thrilled that the Pope came out today in defense of the Jewish people. This is a true watermark moment, and we can finally begin putting the ‘Christ-Killer’ label to bed,” she said. “However, we know it may be another 2,000 years before we can shake the wrath of Sex and the City 2.”
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
