The issue of climate change will sail into cereal aisles this week with Quaker Oats launching its new Cap‘n Trade cereal.
The new product will feature a traditional sweetened corn and oats formula with the addition of earthlike globes that burst into flames with the addition of milk.
“Polls indicate young people are very interested in climate change and what better way to emphasize this problem by having their cereal bowl smouldering in front of them,” said John Compton, CEO of PepsiCo, which owns Quaker Oats. “The flames themselves won’t last for more than a few minutes, so it’ll be safe to eat once the fires go out.”
The cereal puffs themselves will be altered slightly, as they will be injected with carbon-heavy air and other global-warming compounds.
“Our bodies are carbon-based and mostly water anyway, so this will give kids a chance to do their part to help reduce their own carbon footprint. The carbon gives the cereal a nice earthy tone that should do well with kids and parents alike,” Compton said. “We think this will be a lot of fun for the kids and educational as well.”
The back of every cereal box will have information on climate change. The first boxes will explain cap and trade as a market-based conspiracy to clean up the environment. Later releases will illustrate how climate change alters weather patterns and causes a fear of science among those who still think the earth is flat.
A TV ad campaign will start on Saturday featuring Cap’n Crunch with his old nemesis, the pirate Jean LaFoote. In this ad series, LaFoote will change from being a pirate into a corporate lobbyist bent on sinking everything related to climate change and Cap‘n Trade.
In the first ad, LaFoote will convince a bunch of “tea boaters” to do his bidding and run the Cap‘n Trade boat aground on a small Pacific island, right before the island gets swallowed by rising soggy sea waters soaked in crude oil.
If the Cap‘n Trade cereal is successful, the company may consider adding issue-oriented products for its other brands, such as “Global Cool” flavored Gatorade, containing Freon and other Chlorofluorocarbons, solar-panel flavored SunChips and “World Hunger” sized Doritos, available in six-pound single-serving bags.
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