Visitors to SyTex’s corporate campus in Northfield were horrified when a routine corporate ‘dog and pony show’ devolved into an unscheduled exhibition of sexual depravity, including several acts that are outlawed in the State of Illinois.
“It seemed like the run-of-the-mill product presentation, but just when we expected the salesman to introduce their new wireless cable modem gateway, the lights went out and loud music started playing,” said Ernest Devalier, a buyer with CDW. “Soon, a man dressed in black leather introduced ‘Wicked Wendy and Pedro, The Promiscuous Pack Animal’. I’m not sure what happened next … I think … I think it’s all just a pile of repressed memories now.”
“It was disgusting,” said Wendy Jerrold, a reporter with Crain’s Chicago Business. “First, she started kissing the animal and then she crawled underneath it on her hands and knees … and then … and then … ”
Ms. Jerrold subsequently broke down in an involuntary spasm of vomiting and was soon taken a local hospital for observation.
It remains unclear why the scheduled presentation went astray. The corporate event planner, Richard McMurtry, was spotted hurriedly leaving the SyTex parking lot holding a large box containing personal photographs and memorabilia, mumbling about how “This is what they wanted, a ‘dog and donkey’ show or ‘pony and monkey show’ or something …”
“Unfortunately, this is not the first time McMurtry dropped the ball,” said one SyTex employee who asked to remain nameless. ”You should’ve seen the fire damage that resulted when one junior executive asked him to throw in some ‘smoke and mirrors’ during an environmental impact presentation.”
Surprisingly, the meeting was not a complete loss for the high-tech firm. While most members of the audience were shocked by the display, representatives from one local futures trading firm were so impressed by the demonstration that they immediately agreed to purchase 200 modems from the company on the spot.
“We used to say that the Goldman Sachs holiday party featured the best Tijuana donkey shows, but this one beat it hands down,” said the representative.
As of Tuesday, prosecutors planned to press charges for sodomy and bestiality while several members of the audience continued to undergo emergency psychiatric counseling. Neither Wendy nor Pedro were available for comment.
Mitchell Snyder is a fully-licensed and bonded International Man of Parody. He's also the alter-ego for a business professional who can't stop listening to the funny voices in his head. He became a card-carrying member of Chicago's comedy-industrial complex when he started performing stand-up early in 2009, and has since branched out into writing satire articles.
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