In a surprise move, pop chanteuse Katy Perry’s breasts have decided to part ways with the chart-topping performer, signing a three album, five year deal with EMI Records rumored to be worth eight million dollars.“We are delighted to have such a valuable property join the EMI team,” said executive Nick Gatfield. “Without a doubt, Katy’s breasts are the force behind her phenomenal success. Have you ever seen Katy perform ‘Teenage Dream‘? Although her voice sounds like a lesbian drill-sergeant, those knockers … those knockers have a charisma that challenges even the most asexual being to sit up and take notice.”
When questioned how the mammaries will actually perform, Gatfield noted that many popular artists today are incapable of song. Lady Gaga, for example, has her attempts at vocalization electronically enhanced by NASA supercomputers originally created to find life in far-off galaxies. Unknown to most of her fans, Miley Cyrus is both deaf and mute, and in real life can only grin and shake her head to rhythms she feels beneath her feet. And after years of speculation, it was recently revealed that Madonna is actually an inflatable Japanese sex doll, which explains both her lack of musical ability as well as the film “Swept Away”.
“Of course, a record deal is just the beginning for a media asset as popular and photogenic as Katy Perry’s breasts,” said industry analyst Jessica Lennon. “Next will be the movie deals, the video games, perhaps even a breakfast cereal. I’ve heard that Katy Perry’s breasts may soon make a guest appearance on ‘The View’, surely giving that show the greatest male audience it’s ever received”.
In a related development, Katy Perry’s breasts also swept last night’s Viewer’s Choice Awards, earning top honors in the categories of “Most Compelling Reason To Watch VH1″ and “Poster Most Likely To Be Borrowed By Older Brother”.
Mitchell Snyder is a fully-licensed and bonded International Man of Parody. He's also the alter-ego for a business professional who can't stop listening to the funny voices in his head. He became a card-carrying member of Chicago's comedy-industrial complex when he started performing stand-up early in 2009, and has since branched out into writing satire articles.
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