The anniversary of former President Ronald Reagan’s 100th birthday took an unexpected turn when, late on Sunday, the statue came to life in the Capitol Rotunda and went on a two-hour rampage in Washington, DC.
Footage from a security camera indicated a lightning bolt somehow came through a nearby window and struck the bronze statue, triggering an animation cycle common to bronze statues.
“I wasn’t sure what the protocol was on this, I mean on the one hand it’s a former president but on the other hand it’s a freakin statue,” said a security guard who asked not to be identified. “I didn’t know what to do so I asked him if he’d like some coffee.”
The guard said Reagan’s statue responded with a trademark “well….” then grabbed his keys before storming off towards Congressional offices. The security guard alerted Republican lawmakers and their congressional staffs were the first to arrive on the scene and found Reagan roaming among congressional offices, causing considerable damage as its heavy bronze feet cracked the marble floors with each step.
“It seemed like he was looking for someone. He was knocking on doors and calling for someone named ‘Tip.’ We didn’t know what he was talking about,” said staffer John Wilcox. “He started banging on the doors so hard we thought he might knock them off their hinges.”
A couple of staffers tried to distract statue Reagan by playing a recording of conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh’s program, but it was ineffective.
“We thought that would relax him but it only made him irate,” Wilcox said. “The statue started getting really riled up so we stopped. Luckily someone we scrounged up some jelly beans, his favorite snack. That kept him distracted long enough until someone from the Democratic side arrived with an old recording of Tip O’Neill telling Irish jokes and the statue started smiling.”
O’Neill was the Democratic House Speaker when the actual Reagan was president. Although the two men differed greatly in terms of politics, they enjoyed each other’s company and liked sharing jokes.
By the time the recording ran out, a handful of Republican lawmakers had gathered and debated among themselves whether to pay homage or ask the statue for advice.
Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-Minn.) tried to get Reagan’s blessing in launching an investigation into members of Congress to see if they were “un-American.” The statue responded with a loud growl and threw Bachmann into a wall.
House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) then calmed the statue by quietly chanting the phrases “small government” and “low taxes.” Reagan’s statue was then led into Boehner’s office where a TV set was tuned to the Fox News Channel.
Witnesses said Reagan’s statue crushed a couch when it sat down to watch, but the statue became irritated once again.
“The Fox commentators were running quotes from Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin and their usual lineup of Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity. I don’t even remember what they said because I was so freaked out to see this statue sitting there,” said one Republican staffer. “The statue had this scowl on his face and then, when they got to a segment on tea party activists, the statue picked up the TV and chucked it through a window.”
Witnesses said the statue stood up and yelled “big tent” before leaving through the broken window. Reagan’s statue was last seen heading into the Potomac River.
“The real Reagan was a good swimmer and a lifeguard in his youth, but even his statue should’ve known that it couldn’t swim. Bronze is just too heavy,” Boehner said. “I don’t understand why it would disappear into the river like that when it had no way of staying afloat.”
Marcus Manfred is an enigma. A simple and complex man who was raised by wolves in the lower upper part of the eastern west. He is more than you think and less than you know. He is the solution to every question you have ever asked, as long as the answer is three. 
I know this is humor, but did this author ever even listen to one of Ronald Reagan’s Speechs? He hated big government, and would have loved the Tea party and what it represents. This is just more of the ‘Reagan was a Democrat, liberal, a heart’ BS that the left is pushing.