Closet racists and paranoid freaks were dealt an unexpected blow on Thursday when Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced an abrupt end to the agency’s nine-year long use of its color-coded Threat Advisory System.
The Threat Advisory System, which was instituted at the order of then-President George W. Bush, takes the complex ecosystem of data collected by American intelligence agents related to the ambitions of terrorist organizations and boils it down to let Americans know exactly how afraid to be every day: green for low, blue for guarded, yellow for elevated, orange for high and red for severe.
Without color-coded alerts, many Americans will struggle to know when racial profiling is patriotic
Since September 11, 2001 closet racists and paranoid lunatics have leaned heavily on the Threat Advisory System to make basic life decisions, from what they wear to whom they report to the police. Now those same bigots and crazies will be left to their own insane devices.
For instance, Rachel Hodges, a Chicago-area closet racist, said that over the years she has found the Threat Advisory System to be a useful public information tool.
“Now that the Threat Advisory System is gone, I don’t know what I’m going to do!” Hodges said. “I mean, if I don’t know what color the day is, I won’t know how afraid to be. If I don’t know how afraid to be, how will I know when to look for abandoned backpacks on the subway; or whtether it’s safe to eat falafel; or if its too dangerous to get in a Pakinstani’s cab; or whether the government wants me to give dirty looks to Middle Easterners at the airport!? There are dangerous people everywhere and now I’m not going to know when to look for them!”
Paranoid Americans are experiencing similar struggles with the retirement of the color-coded Threat Advisory System.
Scores of crazy people obsessed with terrorism report that the color-coded Threat Advisory System has been among the only things keeping them on the tightrope between high-functioning creepiness and utter, schizophrenic delusion.
“For the last nine years, when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is log on to the Homeland Security Website to check the threat level,” explained Dennis Frankel, a borderline psychopath. “If the threat level is yellow, I pack my gas masks into my brief case and I go to work. But, when it’s orange, or God forbid red, I know to call in sick, retreat to my basement bunker, and plot out post-apocalyptic nuclear counter strikes against rogue dictatorships and global terror networks. I used to know where I stand. Once those color codes are gone, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
While Napolitano is expected to address the controversy next week, DHS spokespersons assured that measures are being taken to address the consuming fears of America’s racists and psychos.
”While the color codes are going away,” the spokeperson said, “we know many Americans are hungry for a simple, easy tool that lets them know when to be afriad. And if their is anything this government does well, it is respond to the fears of its citizens.”
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
