NASA made waves in the scientific community in recent weeks with the announcement of their discovery of an arsenic-based life form existing on earth, expanding the notion of the possibility of life forms on other planets. The story gained steam on Tuesday when reports surfaced that the microorganism is not only unique to the earth, but also the illegitimate son of New York Jets star cornerback Antonio Cromartie.
The former first round draft pick and rookie sensation for the San Diego Chargers has become increasingly notorious for his indiscriminate, child-begetting womanizing after his appearance on HBO’s Hard Knocks program this summer. In an interview then, Cromartie, a father of seven children by five women in five states (including four seperate 3 year olds), famously struggled to accurately remember all his children’s names and ages.
As it turns out, Cromartie was not entirely forthright with the media during that notorious HBO interview. In a teary-eyed press conference Tuesday, he revealed that his parenting troubles extend beyond his seven human children and the five sperate paternity suits he recently faced.
“I made many mistakes during my first couple years in the league,” Cromartie admitted. “And one of them was that I had a sexual encounter with an arsenic-based alien life form that resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. Though the microorganism that was born from my indiscretion generates DNA in a biochemical manner unknown to any other organic material on this planet, I am prepared to step up an handle my duties as a father.”
According to former teammates, Cromartie conceived the alien life form, which was discovered in Northern California’s Mono Lake, during a wild party celebrating a 2007 victory over the Chargers AFC West rival Oakland Raiders.
“Yea, we were all at this lake party that got wild one night,” said Shawne “Lights Out” Merriman, a former defensive teammate with the Chargers. “And Crom starts macking on this cute little strand of alien bacteria. From the beginning, we told him she was trouble, but he’s real bull-headed in those situations and wouldn’t listen to anyone. Now he’s got to live with those consequences.”
Cromartie is currently working out a child support agreement in the California courts, though no agreement has been reached.
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
