At a press conference on Tuesday, the Chicago Police Department issued its annual safety advisory for last-minute gift shoppers.
The list is based upon a comprehensive analysis of over twelve thousand acts of assault, torture, aggravated battery, manslaughter, attempted poisoning, suicide, homicide, false imprisonment, forced immolation and felonious spanking that have taken place in and around Chicagoland during the holiday season.
“With this advisory, we highlight the top ten hastily selected holiday presents that are most likely to result in domestic violence this year. Most people don’t realize the serious risk they take when they do their last minute gift shopping at Walgreens or White Hen Pantry,” said police spokesperson Dana Haggerty. “Unless you want to spend Christmas morning incarcerated or getting your jaw wired shut, please, for the love of God, don’t buy these gifts.”
The Top Ten Last-Minute Gifts To Avoid
1) Anything That Sings and/or Dances. “Scientific studies demonstrate that gifts such as a singing fish or a dancing Santa Claus lose their novelty appeal in less than sixty seconds. What most people don’t realize, however, is that these same objects are almost always custom-designed for rectal perforation.”
2) Lottery Tickets. “In lieu of giving a lottery ticket, which is most likely worthless, we recommend that you dip a ten dollar bill in lighter fluid and hand your loved one a match. At least then they’d actually receive something of value: five to ten seconds of heart-warming light and heat.”
3) Ironic or ‘Gag’ Gifts. “Our analysis indicates that one of the worst gifts you can give is something ironic. This includes such items as a Sham-Wow, a Snuggie or a VHS copy of ‘Short Circuit 2′. You may as well send them a card that reads, ‘Merry Christmas – I don’t respect you.’”
4) Hard Liquor, Cigarettes and/or Fast-Food Gift Certificates. “Probably no other gift says ‘I’m looking forward to your death’ than these items. Not only are you accepting the recipient’s self-destructive behavior, you’re actively encouraging it.”
5) Something Already Used. “Although it’s tempting to pass along something once you’ve already enjoyed it, most people have an uncanny ability to tell whether aromatherapy candles, underwear or donuts have been used once before.”
6) Automotive Gifts. “In reviewing the most shocking cases of domestic battery over the last five years, it’s amazing how many have involved gifts of seat cushions, windshield wiper blades or floor mats. Unless you’re giving the recipient an actual automobile, we strongly recommend against buying anything that comes courtesy of Manny, Moe and Jack.”
7) A Cheap Knockoff CD or DVD. “When you hand somebody the Kidz Bop version of Dark Side of the Moon or Highlights From The 1998 Super Bowl, all you’re saying is that they aren’t good enough for beef jerky.”
8 ) A Fitted Hat. This unique gift item has played an instigating role in a number of high-profile crimes, including the McKinley Park Massacre of 1994, the Belmont Bludgeonings of 1998 and the West Edgewater Wedgies of 2007. “This gift is truly a no-win situation. If the hat is too small, the recipient will think they have a big head. If it’s too big, the recipient will think that you think they have a big head. Either way, blood is going to be shed.”
9) Two Passes To See “How Do You Know?” “Given the number of suicides left in the wake of ‘Sex and the City 2′ and ‘When In Rome’, we believe that only the most well-developed psyches will be able to handle the grueling psychological torture inflicted by this cliché-ridden crapfest.”
10) Something Homemade. “Unless you’re a professional artisan, just take ten dollars out of your wallet and get a Best Buy gift card. You’re an adult, for Chrissake!”
This article originally appeared in The Daily Blank.
Mitchell Snyder is a fully-licensed and bonded International Man of Parody. He's also the alter-ego for a business professional who can't stop listening to the funny voices in his head. He became a card-carrying member of Chicago's comedy-industrial complex when he started performing stand-up early in 2009, and has since branched out into writing satire articles.
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