Defending Jesus’ Jewish cultural and ethnic roots, after more than 2,000 years of tacit disapproval, Jewish groups across the country are finally voicing their outrage at the nature of Christians’ annual Christmas celebration.
“Listen, I have no problem with the Christians celebrating Jesus’ birthday,” said Ellen Silverstein, a member of the Greater Chicago American-Israeli Alliance. “Of course, I think this whole ‘immaculate conception’ business is kind of a wet dream, but if they want to believe he’s their Lord and Savior, who am I to say they shouldn’t celebrate? But Jesus was a Jewish man…to serve ham at his birthday party is an outrage.”
The traditional Christmas ham is not the only element of the holiday that Jews find offensive. According to Morton “Morty” Adler, a spokesman for the Highland Park Jewish Community Center (JCC), customary Christmas garb is equally insulting to Jesus’ Jewish legacy.
Does this man look like he'd wear a bright green sweater covered in reindeer?
“For one thing, to wear those hideous Christmas sweaters in honor of a Jew’s birthday is ridiculous,” Adler explained. “It’s not as though we don’t have our own questionable tastes in fashion: Do we rely too heavily on Gucci loafers? Sure we do. Gold chains? Maybe we take them a little over the top. But a bright green sweater with bells hanging off of it? No Jewish man with an ounce of self-respect would be caught dead in that!”
Their puzzlement spans beyond the Christmas sweater.
“For one thing, name one Jewish man whose stomach could handle egg nog?” Silverstein wondered. “That much dairy in a single glass? It would put a Jew on the toilet for a week! I can promise you Jesus would’ve been much happier with a nova lox bagel and a cup of coffee.”
One element of the Christmas tradition Jews do support, however, is the legend of Santa Clause.
“Do I think it’s likely that there’s a fat, bearded WASP and a band of elves sitting in the North Pole cranking out gifts all year? I’ll be honest, I have my doubts,” explained Adler. “But as a Jew, Jesus believed that Lot’s wife was turned into a pillar of salt when she looked back on Sodom burning, so, hey, we all have a soft spot for tall tales.”
Jewish groups hope that Christians will address their concerns and honor Jesus’ Judaism by making some adjustments to future Christmas celebrations. To begin, they ask that next year Christians wait to buy presents until the 26th when they go on sale.
“Jesus was a Jew. He would want you to get more bang for your buck,” Adler concluded.
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
