In a finding fraught with theological implications, biblical scholars at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem revealed Tuesday that the miracle of the loaves and fishes, attributed to Jesus of Nazareth and detailed in the New Testament, was accomplished by ordering a single never ending pasta bowl, similar to the type found nowadays at the Olive Garden Restaurant.
If true, this finding throws into question one of the most celebrated demonstrations of Jesus’ divinity. In it, Jesus is said to have ordered his disciples to feed a hungry audience of followers. At His direction, they gathered the available food they could find: five loaves and two fishes. Jesus then blessed the provisions and, in a demonstration of God’s abundance, fed thousands of people, with food to spare.
In contrast, recent archeological evidence uncovered near the Jordan River indicates that while Jesus taught his followers in a remote desert location, a group of His disciples patronized a nearby dining establishment that offered the popular menu item and used the constantly replenished supply of pasta to feed the famished crowd.
“While it may be that Jesus rose from the dead, this finding indicates that His ability to provide sustenance to His followers relied less on divine intervention and more on penne pasta with marinara sauce,” stated religious studies professor Ben-Amir Merves, one of the scholars behind the discovery.
In Merves’ estimation, earlier scholars mistranslated the term “never ending” with the term “miraculous” and failed to account for the relatively recent development of pasta in that part of the world, a determination made only recently.
Added Merves: “This mistranslation doesn’t surprise me in the least. Even nowadays, the fact that you can eat all the pasta, salad and bread sticks you want for one low price borders on the miraculous.”
The discovery, detailed in this month’s edition of the Biblical Archeology Review, was made during an excavation of ancient commercial and residential settlements in a relatively uninhabited area in rural Israel. Along with pottery shards, fragments of woven cloth and wood, the archeologists also uncovered several stone tablets that recorded the transactions in question.
“As part of our discovery,” explains co-author Menachem Rosen, “we uncovered an ancient bill of sale that documented the purchases made by the disciples Mark and John. From what we’ve been able to translate successfully, Mark ordered the Five Cheese Ziti al Forno for himself, along with a pitcher of Peach Sangria, while John had the Capellini Pomodoro with Mussels di Napoli as an appetizer. Apparently, as they left, they ordered one serving of the Never Ending Pasta Bowl with marinara sauce and penne pasta. They tipped their server well, too: five silver pieces.”
While no official response has yet been made by the Vatican, it’s clear that Rome is taking this development very seriously. Soon after the finding was announced, dozens of Olive Garden representatives were seen bringing steaming hot bowls of fettuccine alfredo and spaghetti with meat sauce past the Pontifical Swiss Guards and into the holiest of confines inside the Papal Palace. Prior to this announcement, it was widely believed that Pope Benedict XVI preferred to order take-out from Romano’s Macaroni Grill.
Along with the religious debates surely to spring from this discovery, this news is expected to have significant commercial implications as well. Darden Restaurants, Inc., owner of the Olive Garden chain, is anticipating a surge in demand for its popular pasta offering from devout believers around the world, according to spokesperson Daniel Zackman.
“We’ve already received hundreds of requests from parents who want to have their babies baptized in the actual bowls we serve our pasta in,” Zackman said. “Some also want to use our Creamy Parmesan Florentine pasta sauce in lieu of the traditional chrism oil applied during the ritual. We’re still checking with health authorities, as well as several theologians, on that last request.”
In addition, several leading Wall Street brokerage firms have aggressively raised their price target for Darden’s stock (ticker: DRI). Commented one equity strategy from Morgan Stanley, “If it’s good enough for the Messiah, it’s good enough for our clients’ portfolios.”
This article originally appeared on The Daily Blank.
Mitchell Snyder is a fully-licensed and bonded International Man of Parody. He's also the alter-ego for a business professional who can't stop listening to the funny voices in his head. He became a card-carrying member of Chicago's comedy-industrial complex when he started performing stand-up early in 2009, and has since branched out into writing satire articles.
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