North Korea warned on Friday that the region is on the brink of war and vowed to launch a devastating attack upon the USA Network unless it immediately brought back the cancelled series The Starter Wife.
In a statement released by the state run news agency, North Korean Defense Minister Kim Il Chol threatened to “lay waste to the deceitful network’s offices” in the GE Building located in New York City.
The Starter Wife featured Debra Messing as a recently divorced single mother starting over and ran for only a single season in 2008. News of the cancellation had only recently reached Kim Jong-Un, heir apparent to be the de facto leader of North Korea, and several sources report that he was not happy to hear that his favorite show would no longer be available.
“We will launch a merciless assault upon the USA Network unless it admits the error of its ways and renews The Starter Wife,” a North Korean pronouncement said.
In the statement that predicted total annihilation of the NBC affiliated network, the North’s only concession was to the offices of the SyFy Channel which are just a few floors down from the USA Network. The North Koreans gave every indication that they will spare that particular network so as to find out what happens to people’s hero and revolutionary Tom Zarek in the Battlestar Galactica series.
A South Korean Joint Chiefs of Staff spokesperson said that they are taking these threats seriously but have urged the network to reject the North’s demands.
“The world can no longer appease the rantings of this unstable and fanatical regime,” the South Korean spokesman said. “Besides, the USA Network was correct in canceling that truly awful show. While Debra Messing was darling in the original 2007 mini-series –no one can dispute that– when the show was picked up, her performance became stale and unconvincing. That North Korea can’t see what is so obvious to the rest of the world is a testament to their backward ways and inability to keep pace with modern societies.”
South Korea has as its official policy of engagement that the world’s television programing should not bend to the will of their isolationist and authoritarian neighbors to the north.
Western television is outlawed in the isolated Communist nation but South Korean intelligence sources have learned that the show had been rebroadcast by the Ministry of Culture to select elites within the North Korean government. Apparently, The Starter Wife appealed to leadership within the North’s ruling Worker’s Party of Korea because it stoically portrays a dumped Hollywood wife struggling against a heartless capitalist society that is bent on destroying her moral character and spirit of self-reliance, or what the Koreans call Juche.
The Minister of Culture for the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, An Tong Chun, said that failure to bring back the show would be an affront to the will of their future Dear Leader and seen as a personal insult.
“We will not take this aggressive disrespect to our Near Dear Leader lightly,” the Minister said. “Debra Messing is a treasure. Have you seen her in Ned and Stacey?”
The North Korean regime has had a dicey relationship with NBC and their affiliates ever since word of the 1999 cancellation of Baywatch reached Pyongyang in 2004. Fortunately, Baywatch Nights and Baywatch: Hawaii are still being aired in the palaces of the ruling class but international observers expect that North Korea would not be placated for long as both spin-off series only lasted two seasons.
Tensions also peaked last year when North Korea threatened to attack the USA Network over rumors that surfaced about the cancellation of the hit series Burn Notice after only its inaugural season. Kim Yong-Chun, chief of the general staff of the Korean People’s Army and huge fan of the show as well as the female lead Gabrielle Anwar, nearly ordered special forces troops to infiltrate and take over the network’s offices. Tensions eased, however, when betamax copies of the show’s second season were smuggled into the isolated Communist country.
The USA Network President Jeff Wachtel is hoping to host six-party talks between North Korea, South Korea, China, Russia and Japan to determine if conflict can be avoided.
“We think North Korea’s sticking point centers around Debra [Messing],” Wachtel said, “I believe that if we just find an appropriate vehicle for her, this whole thing might just blow over without a shot being fired.”
Wachtel did say, however, that there was “no way in hell they would capitulate” and bring back The Starter Wife.
“I’d sink millions into putting Debra in a show designed just for the North Koreans before I’d bring that train wreck back,” the network executive said. “Did you ever watch that piece of garbage? . . .I didn’t think so.”
North Korea also demands that the world stop showing “the news” which, according to their Cultural Minister in Pyongyang, is portraying North Korea as a failed economic state who’s people are starving and who desperately attempts to stay relevant only by threatening war at the slightest whim.