Opponents of Mountaintop Removal Mining (MTR), the controversial industrial process often associated with Appalachian Mountain coal digging, have launched a public relations offensive urging kids around the world to behave themselves this Christmas season.
The protesters, led by the environmental advocacy group Greenpeace, argue that every year bratty behavior by children around the world results in Santa Claus unnecessarily destroying countless North Pole mountainous habitats in order to harvest more than 400,000 tons of coal.
While this coal sends an effective message to misbehaving children each year, environmentalists say it comes at a significant cost
“This is a serious issue and it deserves the public’s attention,” said Craig O’Brien, a spokesman for Greenpeace. “People act like the coal that bad kids receive in their stocking is invented out of thin air. It’s not. It comes from the environmentally devastating process of Santa’s mining firms leveling North Pole mountain surfaces in order to dig up the underlying coal. It’s an eco-nightmare!”
According to O’Brien, 2,000 years of Christmas MTR has deforested the North Pole’s mountain regions and destroyed biodiversity in the area. Additionally, MTR has negatively impacted air and water quality, polluting the areas with harmful toxins and excessive dust. Consequently, fewer and fewer species continue to exist in the region, impacting the food chain for Santa’s reindeer, while also exposing elves in mining towns to dangerous carcinogens. Statistics confirm that resident elves of these communities have become more prone to pathological diseases.
Additionally, O’Brien says the environmental impacts of MTR on the North Pole only stand to get worse with time.
“Globally, as developing Third World economies expand their Middle Classes, the number of bratty children in this world is exploding,” said O’Brien. “In China alone the number of spoiled kids receiving coal in their stocking increases exponentially every year. If we don’t curb the bad behavior of our children, we could soon reach a point of no return for many North Pole mountainous habitats.”
While Greenpeace urges kids to be good this holiday season to reduce Christmas coal mining, they acknowledge that this problem falls at Santa’s door step too.
North Pole mountain habitats like this face destruction from bad behavior
“Like all environmental issues, this boils down to a matter of human behavior, and if kids obey their parents better, they can stem the tide of the coal mining that has ravaged the North Pole’s mountain regions,” O’Brien said. “But at the same time, we know we need to work with Santa on finding a less environmentally impactful way of punishing kids for future Christmases.”
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
Maybe some of these kids will finally get the message: be good or it will wind up killing the polar bears.