A prelate with the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Chicago died Thursday afternoon following a failed Rite of Exorcism performed at the Michigan Avenue studios of radio station WLIT 93.9 FM. The clergyman, the Rev. Johann von Wolfsohn, succumbed to fatal ear damage after attempting to rid the radio station of a diabolical entity that is continuously playing holiday music that has little, if anything, to do with the true meaning of Christmas.
“With the economy being the way it is, we made the decision not to go with the all-Christmas format this year,” said Tom McDowell, senior programming director at the station. “However, two weeks before Thanksgiving, our station mysteriously began broadcasting songs like ‘Last Christmas’ by Wham! and Jimmy Boyd’s ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’. At first we thought there was a glitch in our automated programming system, but when this entity began playing ‘Wonderful Christmas Time’ by Paul McCartney over and over, we knew that we were dealing with something that was pure evil.”
Exorcisms are rarely performed in modern times by the Catholic Church, and alleged demonic possessions must undergo a rigorous review both by Church experts as well as by doctors and psychologists before permission to perform the ritual is given. Signs of demonic possession accepted by the Church include telling saccharine stories about mothers dying barefoot, admitting that all you want is a hula hoop and wondering whether people in Africa know it’s Christmas time “at all”.
“As we studied the song list favored by the entity, we detected a disturbing pattern,“ said Church spokesperson Father Patrick Wall. “None of these songs mention the Virgin Birth, the fulfilment of Scripture or the delivery of mankind from sin. Instead, they celebrate the accumulation of cheap trinkets, re-animated nature spirits and misguided romantic trysts. The repeated broadcasting of ‘I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas’ convinced us that we were, in fact, dealing with The Beast.”
According to reports, the unsuccessful exorcism spanned a grueling 58 hours, during which time the treacly melodies of ‘Hey Santa‘, ‘Cherry Cherry Christmas ‘and ‘Christmas Mem’ries‘ by Barbara Streisand were heard repeatedly to mock the senior Church official. von Wolfsohn apparently collapsed during a rendition of the holiday carol ‘Dominick The Italian Christmas Donkey’, the 285th time that song has been played since the demonic manifestation began on November 12th.
Senior theologians in the Church are discussing what steps, if any, are available for ridding the Earth of this unholy menace. In the meantime, some are hoping that a little good can come out of this supernatural crisis.
“The lesson here is clear,” said Wall. “When you insist on playing Madonna’s rendition of ‘Santa Baby’ hundreds and hundreds of times, you’re playing with The Devil.”
Mitchell Snyder is a fully-licensed and bonded International Man of Parody. He's also the alter-ego for a business professional who can't stop listening to the funny voices in his head. He became a card-carrying member of Chicago's comedy-industrial complex when he started performing stand-up early in 2009, and has since branched out into writing satire articles.
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