The head of Sears Holding Corp. was arrested Monday by the FBI in a raid of Sears’ corporate offices under allegations of trying to hire a hit man to kill Santa Claus.
W. Bruce Johnson, Sears Interim Chief Executive Officer and President, faces charges of solicitation of murder and conspiracy to commit murder. The FBI alleges Johnson tried to hire an undercover FBI agent to eliminate Santa for an undisclosed sum.
FBI spokesman Ross Rice said Santa’s planned criticism of Sears is what provoked the murder for hire scheme. He said Santa was planning to go public with his complaints about Sears launching the Christmas shopping season too early this year.
“As we all know, retailers like Sears keep pushing the launch of the Christmas shopping season each year. Sears set up Christmas displays even earlier than usual and Santa became really irritated at this. It seems Santa was already unhappy with the over commercialization of Christmas but chose to remain silent until recently,” Rice said.
Rice said emails between Santa and Johnson showed Santa criticized the company and indicated that if it didn’t hold off on its big Christmas push until after Thanksgiving, Santa would begin telling people to avoid shopping with the retailer.
“Johnson responded to Santa with such a harsh tone that Santa contacted our offices. That’s when we put a tap on Johnson’s email and phone line. As the correspondence continued, Johnson become more and more irate and we realized Santa’s life could be in jeopardy,” Rice said.
The FBI refused to release copies of the email exchanges or provide additional information. Rice said the investigation is ongoing but would not say if anyone else was involved. Sources said a few computers and paper files were taken during the raid on Sears’ corporate headquarters in Hoffman Estates.
A Sears spokesman declined comment. Johnson’s arraignment is pending and he is being held without bail.
News of the plot took the polar community by storm, according to Roscoe Haymaker, president of the Elvish Toymakers Union. He said Santa’s elves and reindeer are implementing security precautions recommended by the FBI, although he declined to provide specifics.
“We never figured someone would take a whack at the old guy, I mean it just wasn’t a concern before. For crying out loud, he’s Santa,” Haymaker said. “I guess the merchandisers just had to try and make Christmas as crass and commercial as possible.”
Reached by phone at the North Pole, Santa said he would not discuss the alleged plot or say anything directly about Sears until Johnson has his day in court.
“It’s time for retailers to realize they’re driving people crazy and ruining other holidays by trying to stretch the Christmas shopping season. It was bad enough when it started before Thanksgiving but now they’re really going too far,” Santa said. “Christmas should be a time of joy and celebration, not praying for it to be over because you’re tired of it by the first week of December.”
Marcus Manfred is an enigma. A simple and complex man who was raised by wolves in the lower upper part of the eastern west. He is more than you think and less than you know. He is the solution to every question you have ever asked, as long as the answer is three. 
