Dr. Earl Weaver, an astronomer at NASA’s Chandra X-Ray Observatory, may have found evidence of a young black hole living on his basement couch.
In a statement released on Monday, Weaver explained that the terrestrial object, which he refers to as “Dale,” exhibits all of the key characteristics of a black hole, including a tremendous pull that sucks college tuition, leftover food and car keys seemingly into another dimension, the continuous emission of invisible yet smelly bursts of energy and a tell-tale darkness when responding to his mother’s repeated requests that he make his bed. Weaver notes that this particular interstellar phenomenon is unique in that it also enjoys watching re-runs of Stargate Universe SGU while consuming entire boxes of Cap’n Crunch Oops! All Berries cereal.
“I’ve made it the focus of my life to track the evolution of this particular celestial body, from an amorphous collection of particles back in 1980 into a traditional star like our Sun. My hope was that it would someday depart its system of origin to start its own system, with perhaps two or three young planets circling in orbit, but apparently the crushing gravity of adulthood has forced it to collapse onto itself,” Weaver said in a recent telephone interview.
“Now, not only is light unable to escape past its event horizon, so too are job interviews or application sessions at the College of DuPage. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”
Black holes are formed when massive stars explode. The core of the star collapses, and if it’s large enough, the gravity of the core can crush it down into a black hole. Weaver noted that the resulting object has a gravitational pull that is so great that not even career goals or personal hygiene tips can escape.
“By its very nature, identifying a black hole can be difficult. However, the cosmic haze of marijuana smoke circling Dale makes me confident that this is what we found,” Weaver said. “Unfortunately, efforts to communicate with the entity so far have only been met with random grunts, orders to ‘Get out of here!’ and an occasional bout of flatulence.”
“In my professional opinion, what we’re witnessing down there is a display of inertia of galactic proportion.”
Mitchell Snyder is a fully-licensed and bonded International Man of Parody. He's also the alter-ego for a business professional who can't stop listening to the funny voices in his head. He became a card-carrying member of Chicago's comedy-industrial complex when he started performing stand-up early in 2009, and has since branched out into writing satire articles.
Send hate mail to 
