Study: Researchers discover that they can’t stand each other

After three long months of studying ice core samples in the Antarctic, a multidisciplinary climate research team presented startling evidence showing that all of the scientists on the team have become absolutely impossible to live with.

Rould Edmundson, a paleoclimatologist and lead researcher from the Department of The Geophysical Sciences at the University of Chicago, set out with his group to measure volcanic dust levels in ancient atmospheres but instead found rising levels of “everyone just being a total jerk” over the course of the study.

Edmundson claims the findings also show that living in isolation at the bottom of the world with some of the most annoying people on the planet induces significant time dilation making “every godforsaken day seem to last forever”.  He was also astonished with data indicating that 80% of the 5-person team couldn’t conduct a decent mass spectroscopy test if their lives depended on it.

Damn it, close the door Rawlings! See what I put up with? (picture provided by Alex Thompson)

“They really are quite incompetent,” Edmundson said of the rest of the team, adding that he “would have had better luck teaching three penguins and a leopard seal to do a proper air-sampling.”

Peter Rawlings, a geologist specializing in volcanic activity, was also able to collect a considerable amount of data on gaseous emissions. He reports that the confined living conditions in the station made it unquestionably clear that his bunk mate, Alex Thompson, really “smells like ass”.

Thompson, who is the team’s engineer and Antarctic guide, introduced contradictory evidence showing that if Rawlings had not used the station’s supply of wet-wipes in the first six weeks, his apparent lack of hygiene would not be an issue.  Thompson also added that he was certain that “[Rawlings] had better stop snoring throughout the night or he might find himself waking up outside in a penguin nest covered in guano”.

Cindy Huang looking so smug. Who does she think she is? (picture provided by Alex Thompson)

Still other remarkable findings were recorded by Cindy Huang, the team’s environmental scientist.  Her data reveals that 92% of the time, everyone else failed to pick up after their-goddamned-selves. Since first observing the phenomenon, Huang has been keeping meticulous notes and remembers the very moment when she first noticed the trend.

“It was a eureka moment to be sure,” Huang said, “but I remember yelling out something like….’DUDE, CLEAN UP YOUR DISHES, JACKASS!!’”

The full extent of the research and their implications will be published in the February issue of the Journal of the Geological Society in a paper entitled “Study of Ancient Ice Cores Reveal How Much I Really Hate These People”.

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JB Goodbody JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here.