As lights adorn doorways and ugly sweaters crawl out of of their dresser drawers, Chicagoans are busy preparing for the upcoming Holiday season. As part of the annual ritual of Christmas in Northern Illinois, moms across the city’s suburbs are hard at work wrapping presents, experimenting with new recipes, and training their families to make Michigan Avenue miserable with holiday cheer.
“I’m afraid of poor people, so the kids and I don’t go to the city very often,” said Deena Murphy, a Naperville mother of three pre-teens. “But every December we do trek down to Michigan Avenue to soak in the holiday cheer; and when we go, we try to be as oblivious of our surroundings and inconsiderate of people around us as we can be! It’s a challenge, but we rise to the occasion every year!”
They may look harmless, but these kids are well-trained weapons of oblivious self-centered annoyance aiming for city residents this holiday season
Though most people don’t realize it, making Michigan Avenue unbearably miserable for city dwellars from mid-November until New Year’s Day is the culmination of months or prep work. In fact, for many the thousands of suburbanites who descend on the city’s Magnificent Mile each season, work begins in heat of the summer.
“In our family, getting the kids ready to be nuisances begins in July,” said Vicki Smith, an Aurora mother of four, ranging from ages 4 to 15. “Each kid has to become annoying in thier own way, and that takes a lot of effort. But practice makes perfect!”
Smith said that beginning in the summer, she and the kids go to the mall, where everyone receives customized execercises to complete. Once at the mall, the kids split up and separately work on making others around them miserable. For instance, she says that she drags her four and eight year olds into J. Crew with her. Once there, she becomes completely absorbed in cute seasonal fashion trends and, since she doesn’t bring coloring books or video games to keep them occupied, the kids run around wildly, terrorizing other shoppers.
“We want to create an environment where somebody who lives in the city and needs to do some last minute shopping is utterly terrified to walk around a store with a cup of coffee in their hand,” said Smith. “We want them to fear our kids spilling that scalding-hot coffee into their hip, urban lap.”
Similarly, Smith’s older children, ages 11 and 15, are given their own regimens. For instance, Jessica Smith, a sophomore in high school, is challenged to stand around fellow shoppers while talking on her cell phone as loudly as possible, sharing and receiving inane, mind-numbing gossip. At the same time, her 11 year old brother Freddie is tasked with simultaneously dipping a giant Auntie Anne’s pretzel into mustard and wedging a full hot chocolate between his elbow and chest, all while playing Tetris one-handed on his iTouch. The result of the activity is almost always a douse of yellow goo on a passerbys shoes, which the kid willfully neglects and unapologetically ignores.
“It’s not easy turning a mile of one of America’s biggest cities into an unbearable place for six weeks, and we know have worthy adversaries” said Murray. “We’re ready for stubborn urbanites to be obnoxious dickheads, blowing smoke towards our kids, cursing loudly in public places, bumping into us as they hurry by on crowded strees. But by focusing on what we can control - being as self-absorbed and disregardful as possible - I know we’ll get come out ahead again this year.”
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
It does seem like the general public of suburban soccer moms and their dumb kids try to make a point to be excessively bothersome. Good read.
As a true hipster of Chicago, who also happens to live in the downtown area, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been trying on a sick new pair of seven jeans on The Mile during the pre-christmas period, and been totally throw out of my element by those obnoxious Napervillians!
Bravo, Joe!