The elderly community was horrified to learn that Eugénie Blanchard, who held the Guinness World Record as the oldest living person, died of mysterious circumstances on Thursday.
The shocking news came in light of the fact that the 114-year-old nun had only recently been awarded the prestigious record before she unexpectedly died.
Blanchard had taken the title in May when Okinawa resident and previous record holder Kama Chinen died under similarly suspicious circumstances just a week before her 115th birthday.
The series of unexplained deaths of old-age record holders has led Stella Samuelson, a spokesperson for The Center for Advocacy for the Rights and Interests of the Elderly (CARIE), to speculate that the string of deaths is not just a coincidence. She noted that Blanchard’s and her predecessors each only held their titles for less than a year before mysteriously succumbing to what she has been calling “The Guiness Curse”.
Samuelson reports that many of those served by her organization believe there has been a hex placed on these specific Guinness record holders, leading some to fear that it might also spill over into the larger community.
CARIE and other elderly advocacy groups have called for an investigation to find out just why those holding the record of the “Oldest Living Person” are being targeted, noting that no other Guinness World Record holders have fallen victim to this alarming rash of deaths.
“You don’t see the men with the longest beard having such a high mortality rate,” Samuelson said. ”And every single member of the ‘longest bikini parade’ has had a clean bill of health since taking that title three years ago. It just doesn’t make sense that this group are the only ones falling victim like this.”
Samuelson noted that these record holders are not only held in the highest regard as the oldest people on the planet, but are also considered national treasures in their home country and in their local communities, “and they should be protected.”
“The world’s elderly are terrified now that they have seen their most exalted and celebrated members dropping like flies,” she said.
CARIE has asked international law enforcement to look into who or what might be responsible for the taking of these supercentenarian’s lives, citing that Blanchard only held the title as world’s oldest living person for a mere six months before she mysteriously passed away.
“It really is a travesty and something should be done,” Samuelson said.
She claims that this phenomenon has gone on for too long, noting that, before Blanchard, Gertrude Baines of California only lasted nine months before the curse got to her.
“And before her? Mariade Jesus of Portugal died unexpectedly in January 2009, only living for three months before falling to the ‘Guinness Curse’,” she said.
And the list goes on. Records show that no one holding the position of “Oldest Person Alive” has lived to enjoy all the benefits that come with the title for more than 15 months before they inexplicably die. Some have not lasted more than a month, as was the case of Emma Tillman who died in January of 2007 at the age of 114, just four days after taking the title from Emiliano Mercado del Toro of Puerto Rico.
“That shocked the extra-elder community,” Samuelson said. “She didn’t even get her birthday party covered by the local news or receive her phone call from Willard Scott.”
It now appears that the current record holder is Eunice Sanborn of Jacksonville, Texas. However, Sanborn and her family have denied this claim and have refused to provide proof of age and accept the title.
Samuelson continues to believe something nefarious is going on and hopes the international community will get to the bottom of it. She also says it should come as no surprise that no one is coming forward to announce themselves as being the oldest person alive.
“I don’t blame her for refusing to lay claim to the record.” Samuelson said of Sanborn. “Holding this title is like signing your own death warrant.”
JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here. 
That’s a photo of Clementine Solignac (1894-2008) of France, not Eugenie Blanchard (1896-2010).
FIxed it. Thanks Robert. French Centenarians all look alike to me.
Thanks Robert. As fake journalists, when we we completely make up stories, we try to be accurate.
I’m putting a picture of me in there next time.
when you’re 114 is death really unexpected?
At that age everyday is like a year and a blessing to still be alive.. I don’t believe it’s any kind of curse. They are OLD!!
I think a few are taking this a bit too literally.
It’s parody, people.
Funny stuff J