The Lord Almighty is reeling after a tough election night where His will was soundly rejected by Delaware voters who failed to elect Christine O’Donnell to the United States Senate.
Despite God playing ”a direct role in the campaign“, He was still unable to sway residents of the Blue Hen State to vote for His chosen senatorial candidate on Tuesday.
“I know that God has called me to this,” O’Donnell had told the Christian Broadcasting Network’s David Brody in October, laying claim to the Lord’s divine providence and reaffirming her choice of God as her campaign manager.
Fully expecting the Creator would come through for her, O’Donnell was disappointed with Tuesday’s results and said that she would have thought that “the most powerful being in the entire universe and creator of all things might give us a bump in the Philly suburbs and in the Dover area.”
No one is more disappointed than the Lord God Himself who feels personally responsible for the poor showing of the Teaparty candidate. Having handpicked O’Donnell and convincing her that to run despite a clear lack of credentials and staggering lack of knowledge on most every subject, God was embarrassed to not have been able to come up with an extra 50,000 conservative voters. Even in Sussex County, a traditionally religious and conservative community, turnout was surprisingly low.
“They are really in to me down there in Southern Delaware,” God said. “I was almost certain they would heed my all-powerful command and sacrifice an hour off of work to go vote.”
God’s choice of O’Donnell surprised pundits from across the political spectrum as He had a number of highly qualified conservative candidates from which to choose. He even had a popular centrist House Republican in Michael Castle who lost to O’Donnell in the Republican Primary. Many believe God may have just settled for what he could get as O’Donnell was the only one, apparently, who would talk to the Almighty on a regular basis.
“Well, at first I was happy she confided in me. . .and she did that a lot,” God said, admitting that he was initially thrilled to have a candidate to do everything He asked.
But then God said that he began feeling a bit uneasy with the relationship, saying that she was talking to Him at every moment of the day.
“I couldn’t think straight and barely had time to do anything else during this election cycle,” God said, referring to his duties as ruler of the Universe as well as his campaigning for other candidates such as Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle and Indiana House candidate Todd Young.
“I think I was blinded by my need to be worshiped unconditionally and without an ounce of independent thought and reason,” God said.
Unfortunately for the Creator of the World, and despite His best efforts, the people of Delaware rejected His will and awarded Democrat Chris Coons the win. Despite the comparable lack of omnipotence of Coons’ own campaign manager, he was still able to convince Delaware voters of his plans to support equal rights for gays, science in the classroom, and his advocacy for the separation of church and state, all positions God’s chosen candidate was vehemently against.
O’Donnell was devastated with the loss, believing that her God had forsaken her after promising a victory.
“I don’t see why He couldn’t have made a bunch of votes just appear,” O’Donnell complained, apparently unaware that God had already created ex nihilo nearly half of her 123,025 vote total that night.
“I can only do so much,” God said.
After her concession speech, O’Donnell was caught on a live mike remarking that perhaps she may consider “re-dabbling in witchcraft as it might get [her] better results next time”.