In Chicago’s Boys Town, votes are still being counted in yesterday’s election for the powerful post of chairman of the gay neighborhood’s Cultural Commission. While the original ballots seperate the primary candidates by only a dozen votes, a spokesman for the Commission’s election board says that the outcome of the race will hinge on results from absentee ballots filed by the bisexual vote, a notoriously swinging demographic, famous among gays for their inablity to make up their mind.
Local political experts report that this contest, which pits incumbent Billy Whittles against insurgent candidate Francis Smith-Haley, is as close as any Boys Town election since Wicked’s earth-shattering debut on Broadway eight years ago, and perhaps as tight as any going back to the release of Elton John’s seminal Duets album in 1992. “Like a good late-night, naked dance party, this election has been a total cluster fuck,” explained Criag O’Brien, a longtime Boys Town resident and de facto neighborhood historian. “And the best part is that not only has the race been close, but totally bitchy!”
O’Brien, who compared this contest to Brandon Walsh’s dramatic season 4 run for President of the student body on 90210, says that over recent weeks the race to chair Boys Town’s coveted Cultural Commission has devolved considerably. What he suggests began as a substantive debate over critical issues like Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez’s appropriateness for American Idol, the right Shiraz to accompany a Glee viewing party, and which Whole Foods location offers the best free samples, has sunk into a series of vicious ad hominem attacks on each other’s gayness.
“At first this was the same old snoozer where each candidate recycled tired talking points,” O’Brien explained. “But once Francis’ hit men dug up a blog post that Billy had written in 2002 that called Will & Grace ‘overrated’ and ‘another lazy mischaracterization of gay culture’, this election got Jen and Angelina levels of nasty!”
The ”Will & Grace“ controversy ignited a series of attack ads which, among others, showed photshopped college pictures of Smith-Haley burning a Madonna poster, Whittles wearing Dad Jeans, and mudslinging accusations of tacky tea parties.
“This whole thing has been like an episode Days of Our Lives. Actually more like an episode of As the World Turns. Actually, probably more like General Hospital. Actually, no, definitely like Days of Our Lives,” explained O’Brien, nonsensically. “Either way, it’s been great drama, and I have no idea who those bisexuals are gonna vote for. They’re so damn fickle.”
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
