Faced with the eventual repeal of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy on gays in the military, a group of current and former Republican lawmakers introduced their own proposal on Wednesday whereby gays would be allowed to serve in the military as long as they provide graphic details about their encounters. They call it “Don’t Ask, DO Tell.”
“I want to hear all their sordid tales,” said former Sen. Larry Craig. “I mean, where are they getting together? Are there any positions I’m not aware of? It’s time for gays to come out of the men’s rooms and give some pointers to those of us living in denial. When I think of all those buff military guys doing what comes unnaturally I just uh…. excuse me….. I gotta find a restroom.”
Sen. John Ensign (R-NV), said the policy would stand a constitutional test because straight people would have to provide details as well, even if they were having an affair with the wife of someone on their staff.
“If we include everyone on this policy, then it’s not discriminatory. Frankly I think it would make our military a more cohesive unit. Think of what would happen if, say, someone was sleeping with a staff member’s spouse. He’d have to find the person a job somewhere else and have his parents bribe the couple to remain quiet,” Ensign said. “Believe me, it’s better to just get that stuff out in the open.”
Former Sen. Rick Santorum said the “DO tell” policy fits with his views that consenting adults have no constitutional right to privacy in the bedroom and that the government can declare gay sex illegal. He called for the establishment of a military sex police to make sure the law would be followed.
“Not to get too anal here,” Santorum said with a giggle. “But I disagree with the Supreme Court’s rulings on the right to privacy. In order to be consistent on this we’ll just peek into every barracks, officer’s quarters and berth, no matter their orientation, to keep everyone in compliance. We’ll leave it up to the military to decide if certain positions are a little too gay, even for straight people, such as doing it in the butt.”
Sen. David Vitter, (R-LA) said details of the troops’ sexual activities would be published and distributed among their fellow soldiers and the general public. He said it would benefit the troops by reducing the odds of them soliciting prostitutes or having their number wind up in the phone book of a Washington, D.C. Madam.
“These troops might not be as lucky as me and have their use of prostitutes exposed after the statute of limitations has run out,” Vitter said. “I’m only thinking of them, and that reading material. I really hope they’re into some freaky stuff in the military.”
Yet not everyone on the right is ready to support the idea of Don’t Ask, DO Tell. George Alan Rekers, co-founder of the Family Research Council, said gay rights have no place in this country.
“I am totally against the homosexual agenda and the gayification of America,” Rekers said. “If anyone in the military or anywhere else wants to be gay they should hire a male escort and take him on a lavish European vacation instead—and trust me, he’ll be very appreciative if you know what I mean.”
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