In the race for Illinois’ open Senate seat, last week the Chicago Sun-Times announced their endorsement of Democratic State Treasurer Alexi Giannoulias, while the Chicago Tribune revealed their support of his Republican opponent, Congressman Mark Kirk. As the last major Chicago news outlet not to publicly endorse a Senate candidate, at The Chicago Dope, today we want to tell the world that we think they both suck.
If this guy wasn't a born politician, no one ever has been...
Beginning with Kirk, a Congressman from Chicago’s northern suburbs, the first question politicos inevitably ask is our question too: How did a war-hawking Republican win 5 elections in a congressional district that voted for John Kerry!?!?
One theory suggests that Kirk’s popularity is due to his ”independent thinking”: For instance, it takes a truly gifted flip-flopper to support cap-and-trade legislation in one speech, and then subsequently oppose it… later in the speech!
Another school of thought offers that perhaps Mark Kirk’s success with a moderately liberal but highly wealthy constituency stems not from his political independence, but from the toughness he exudes to voters. It’s true that only a go-get-’em hard ass politician like Kirk would vote against extending unemployment benefits for middle-class workers in the midst of the worst recession in nearly a century, right? So, when Mark Kirk is criticized for supporting policies that enable the transplant of thousands of domestic jobs to China, it’s not that he’s ”pursuing reckless, highly ideological and unproven economic theory,” it’s just that he’s one tough sonuvabitch making the American working class cry uncle!
Also, Mark Kirk is a lying sack of shit (see: falsification, military history).
As for Alexi Giannoulias, we have to agree with our rivals at the Sun-Times, who describe him by saying, “He’s got the stuff to be an excellent United States senator.” We concur. In his short career, the 34 year old state treasurer has demonstrated naked ambition, an ability to sniff the asshole of power, and a willingness to be obstinate, partisan, and disregardful of public interest at politically opportunistic moments: All this is to say that he certainly has what it takes to advance in Congress’ upper chamber.
In all seriousness, here at The Dope, we don’t disapprove of Alexi Giannoulias’ candidacy for the United States Senate just because he is so clearly under qualified for the post. And we don’t oppose his candidacy becuse he lied to the IRS about his past employment in order to save more than $2 million in tax revenues. And we don’t oppose his candidacy because he might have made loans to convicted organized crime members. And we don’t oppose his candidacy because he lost the state’s Bright Start college savings program more than $150 million in bad investments. And we don’t oppose his candidacy because he opened six new treasury offices at a time when the state can hardly afford to pay it’s bills.
Here at The Dope, we oppose Alexi Giannoulias’ candidacy because he just looks like succchhh a d-bag.
There is VH1 reality show written all over these two
I mean, Democrats, what the fuck?? In a state with like 10 million known Liberals, are we really going to have to vote for that asshole Kirk?? Where did you even find Giannoulias? Did you just stumble on his audition tape for The Bachelorette? Do you really expect us to make this guy a custodian of American democracy? If we vote for this clown, aren’t we essentially just punching his ticket to appear on Dancing With the Stars once he inevitably resigns amidst a high class hooker scandal? If this guy doesn’t embezzle money for gangsters, he’ll be taking money from them. And considering he looks like he might’ve been an original member of the Backstreet Boys, we think he’s best suited to buying Jaeger shots for his boys at River North clubs. We’re not impressed.
“But, Dope editorial staff,” you say, ”we believe in the power of democratic institutions to be an engine of transformative change for society. Surely there must be someone we can vote for, right?”
No. Go watch TV. Or even better, read more of this website. It’s really good.
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
