With BP oil spill, God takes 2-1 series lead over New Orleans

As the BP oil crisis wrapped up its final days, the Lord God raised his arms in triumph to celebrate His crushing defeat of New Orleans, a win that gave the Heavenly Father a 2-1 lead in the five-game series.

God launched an early first quarter assault on New Orleans’ local economy and environment when, through an act of Him, He destroyed the Deepwater Horizon drilling rig.  The explosion immediately killed 11 platform workers and injured 17 others and created the worst oil disaster in our nation’s history, its effects expected to last for decades.

These first few plays set the stage for God’s dominance over the city as it became clear that the 185 million gallons of crude oil continuously erupting out of the damaged well would overwhelm the New Orleans defense, leaving the city, FEMA backup teams and thousands of volunteers unable to get back into the game.

Jehovah mounted an effective prevent defense by placing the gushing hole in the Earth’s crust five miles below the waterline. Adverse weather and British Petroleum’s half-hearted response further kept the contest out of reach and prevented federal and industry resources from mounting an effective counterattack.

It wasn’t until August that the momentum began to turn for the hobbled city but by then the damage had been done. Despite a valiant late-game effort that led to the capping of the well on September 19, New Orleans was never able to make it a competitive match.  When they finally got their game plan in order, the spill had decimated the city’s nearby marine and wildlife habitats as well as completely broke down local fishing and tourism industries.

After the game, God could not be reached for comment as He retreated out the back to avoid reporters.  However, his manager Saint Sebastian, Patron Saint of Athletes, was able to comment on team God’s performance.

“There’s no question about it, this squad showed a lot of heart and we feel like this is a good win for us,” Sebastian said.  “But we can’t afford to get lackadaisical because New Orleans really gave us a big scare when they brought in U.S. Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen.  He’d been there before and we knew he’s a tough, hard-nosed player.”

Fortunately God was able to slow down the pace of the game enough to keep Adm. Allen from ever hitting his stride.

By all indications, New Orleans expected a competitive series versus God. The city had a great pre-season, being blessed with jazz music and Mardi Gras, and made a superb showing against the British at the end of the War of 1812. These early exhibition wins made many fans excited about the prospects for the season.

But doubts about the city’s ability to win the big games began to surface after they were routed in the first contest when the Almighty sent Hurricane Katrina in 2005.

Many expected The Big Easy would ride out the storm like it had so many times in the past. However, the devastating property damage, loss of life and slow recovery led many observers to consider it all but certain that God would dominate this series and pull out a three-game sweep.

John Hagee, pastor for Cornerstone Church and member of  God’s ground team in Texas, was ecstatic with the Katrina results and believes it effectively set the tone for the rest of the series, saying “what happened in New Orleans looked like the curse of God.”

But that game was not without controversy.  The league has been asked to review claims that the Almighty may have gained unfair advantage by staging pre-game conditions. The incompetence of city and state civil government, the poor design of levees by the Army Corps of Engineers, the appointing of an unqualified race horse lawyer as the head of FEMA by president George W. Bush and abysmal lack of federal support in rebuilding the city made any chance of a competitive game impossible.

“We felt the conditions were severely stacked against us,” said City Councilman Raymond Blanchard. “We hope our appeal to league officials will get a fair review but after seeing the raw deal that Haiti recently got, we don’t expect any action to be taken.”

New Orleans surged back, however, and tied up the series in the second match-up when they won the 2009 Super Bowl over the Indianapolis Colts, achieving what many have called a redemption game for the perennial underdog.  Fans had considered this game their one shot to make a statement and get back into the series.

“That was great,” said Roger Thibodaux, an out-of-work machinist and lifelong New Orleans resident now living in Houston. “We’ll take the win, of course. It almost makes up for the billions in property damage, thousands of lost homes and the death of nearly 1,500 New Orleans residents.”

New Orleans residents continue to support their team and are excited about their prospects for bouncing back in game four.

“They really are a resilient bunch,” said Jim Henderson, local WWL-TV sportscaster and play-by-play voice of the city of New Orleans.  “It will be a tough game because only our opponent knows what He has in store for us.  I mean, He could throw anything our way including meteorites, volcanoes, maybe a zombie apocalypse.  New Orleans will just need to prepare for the worse and pr–, well we will hope, for the best.”

City residents continue to have faith that they will hold together as a team and mount a strong challenge against whatever game plan the Creator presents to them the next time around.

“They’ll probably need an Act of God to win this series,” Henderson said. “But given who we’re up against, that’s not likely to happen.”

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JB Goodbody JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here.