A recently published study looking at trends in domestic violence against children between 1993 and 2006 revealed an unprecedented decrease in parents giving their children something to really cry about.
Experts hailed the results claiming that headway has been made through public awareness and education campaigns encouraging parents to apparently just let the kids have their run of the whole goddamned place.
The findings were presented in the National Incidence Study On Giving Children Knuckle Sandwiches and Threatening to Sell Them Off to Gypsies, a congressionally mandated review of domestic violence trends that specifically looks at child abuse and neglect.
The research revealed that the number of little hellions who had needed to get some sense knocked into them fell by 15 percent. Emotional abuse against children was also down by 27 percent, as evidenced by a reduced number of assertions that they were adopted or that their parents never really loved them anyway.
This encouraging drop in incidences occurred despite any noticeable change in the number of kids making their parents lose their ever-loving minds. The results were even more surprising considering a slight rise in overall “what am I going to do with this kid” sentiment.
Researchers could only speculate on why we are observing a dramatic reduction in parents just losing it with their kids.
“There seems to be a growing public intolerance for slapping the smirk off their face these days,” said Sarah Lyons, a spokesperson for the Department of Health and Human Services, the agency that conducted the study.
Lyons also pointed out the rise in availability of child protective services and anti-abuse efforts demanding that parents smack around someone their own size. There has also been an increase in preventative action within the criminal justice system. Local law enforcement agencies have stepped up community outreach efforts asking at-risk parents how they would like it if the police knocked them around like that.
Despite the encouraging numbers, Lyons feels like there is a great deal of progress that still needs to be made. There remains a perception among some parents that because they brought the child into this world, they maintain the right to take them out.
The Department of Health and Human Services will continue to monitor these trends and assist child advocacy agencies in reducing instances of child abuse.
“We hope that someday we can get to a point where just giving them a certain ’look’ from across the room or perhaps responding with ‘because I said so’ will make these kids fly straight,” Lyons said.
JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here. 
