So long corn syrup, hello corporate welfare juice

Faced with the declining use of High Fructose Corn Syrup, the Corn Corporate Welfare Association has petitioned the Food and Drug administration to change the name of HFCS to “corporate welfare juice.” HFCS is produced from corn by artificially treating it with enzymes to turn corn starch into syrup.

The name change is an attempt to distract consumers from alleged health risks associated with HFCS, which have pushed its consumption to a 20-year low. Various studies have linked this sweetener to problems such as insulin resistance, diabetes, fatty liver disease, obesity, extra limbs, porcelain feet and fig brains. People with corn allergies also have problems as corn syrup has become so widely used.

Refiners originally wanted to change HFCS’s name to the innocuous-sounding “corn sugar,” and the change is still under consideration by the FDA. The CCWA opted to change tactics as an internet petition sprang up to oppose the change, along with a Facebook page opposed to HFCS in general. The association settled on “corporate welfare juice” after rejecting other names such as “tasty poison,” “constipation solver” and “America’s high diabetes elixir.”

CCWA president Sal Johnson said his organization realized that calling HFCS “corn sugar” would be misleading and that consumers might catch on, so its members agreed to finally admit that they’re the biggest corporate welfare queens on the planet.

Corn is the most subsidized crop in the U.S., with a government crop loan assistance program that guarantees an oversupply of grain. Tariffs and price supports also keep domestic sugar prices about twice that of the rest of the world so that HFCS remains competitive in the U.S. The result is that Americans pay to subsidize the grain, pay to keep corn syrup competitive and pay more at the cash register for anything that uses sweeteners.

“We not only get subsidized grain, we also have the government run a protection racket for us. Sugar cane growers get their own taste of corporate welfare which encourages them to pollute the everglades, but that’s small potatoes compared to us,” Johnson said. “Nobody would be buying corn syrup without Uncle Sam’s corporate welfare. We’re hoping that by finally admitting this we can distract consumers from their health concerns.”

Johnson noted that 100 percent of scientists who are directly on the payrolls of major agricultural companies concluded there’s nothing wrong with HFCS. These scientists have also said the bonuses, extra homes and three yachts they each received from their companies had nothing to do with supporting the preordained conclusions of their CEOs.

The industry is also hoping to get people consuming corn syrup again and reinvigorate its sales with a line of new products such as Corporate Welfare Buzz, a corn syrup based alcoholic drink.

“I avoid corn syrup myself, but we think it’ll catch on with the college kids and then everyone will be buying it. Since the government funds everything else we do, we’re hoping they’ll subsidize this stuff as well,” Johnson said. “Naturally we’ll be bribing, um, I mean, donating to politicians in both parties to get this started. That’s how corporate welfare works, you know.”

Other products in development include lumps of hardened corn syrup called “Couchtime Kiddie Obesity Snaks” and “Liquid Sugar Buzz,” an artificially-flavored line of “juices” packed with 99 percent corn syrup.

In case the FDA opposes changing HFCS to “corporate welfare juice” or “corn sugar,” the industry is ready with a few alternatives names such as “cheap industrial sweetener,” “modified health decay” or “the taste of greed.”

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